Students Scramble To Catch Up On Freshman 15

Newt Tella shows positive results from his hard work in gorging copious amounts of information and food for finals week.

(Originally published on June 5, 2014.)

Eugene, Ore. — Sources confirmed students have been hard at work to catch up on their “freshman 15” by the end of the term. Students have been seen manically shuffling from dining hall to dining hall this past week, trying to make up for all their missed opportunities to gain some hefty weight.

Newt Tella, freshman, commented that the stress of fulfilling his obligation to gain 15 pounds is almost equal to that of taking finals.

“I can’t believe I waited until the end of the term to put on my freshman 15,” Tella said. “I got a little lazy and skipped a lot of my meals and instead went to class. I’m still feeling pretty bad about my finals, but…I’m pretty overwhelmed with the realization that I might end my first year of college the same weight I was when I arrived here in the fall.”

Gabe Finch, senior, stated he believes it isn’t too late for his freshman 15.

“My parents would be so disappointed if I didn’t come back at least 10 pounds heavier,” Tella said. “I know the first thing they’ll do when I get home is make me step on the scale to see if I’ve made the most of my first year at an institution of higher learning. I’ve been spending all week at Carson frantically trying to catch up. You should have seen me there yesterday. I got there at 5:00, when dinner opens, and stayed there until closing and just ate plate after plate of fried rice, orange chicken, cheese pizza, and mini-cornbread muffins. I’m so exhausted. I had to take Adderall just to stay awake at the table.”

Gage Finch pre-games before binging at Carson Dining Hall.

Gage Finch pre-games before binging at Carson Dining Hall.

Many students, including Finch, have reportedly taken more drastic routes to gain 15 pounds, such as illicitly purchasing anabolic steroid weight-gaining medications like Oxandrolone from fellow students, which is the most common recreational prescription drug used on campus.

Sources confirmed this morning that students were seen in the late hours of night frantically devouring butter sticks and entire rolls of cookie dough in the Knight Library as they prepared for their upcoming end-of-term weigh-ins.

“This time in the term is just super stressful,” Tella said. “No one is going out this weekend. Everyone will be shacked up in their dorm rooms and apartments eating multiple boxes of take-out Chinese. I should probably get going soon. I have a lot on my plate right now, like teriyaki chicken wings, bread rolls, and brown rice.”