UO Basketball Coach Just Happy He Didn’t Take Transfer From Pelican Bay

Dana Altman, the UO basketball Head Coach, explains to the press that it could have been much worse if he had taken a player who knew the ins and outs of car bombs.

(Originally posted on May 9, 2014.)

Eugene, Ore. — In the wake of recent allegations of rape directed at University of Oregon basketball players Damyean Dotson, Dominic Artis, and Brandon Austin, Head Coach Dana Altman held a press conference to inform the public that he is just glad that the team did not take a transfer player from the maximum security wing of Pelican Bay State Prison in California.

“While many people have questions as to why we brought Austin into the team after he was investigated for a similar incident of sexual assault, I think we should all be glad I didn’t take forward Johnny ‘Bones’ Spinolli,” Altman told reporters earlier this afternoon.

Spinolli, one of the star players in the federal prison basketball league during the first five years of his life sentence, showed interest in asking for parole and transferring to Oregon in 2012.

“The guy had great agility and serious leadership potential, but we felt a little uncomfortable about him acting as a hitman for the Grazini crime family for six years,” Altman said.

“He had great coordination. He could handle a ball like no other and make one inch groupings with an M-16 at 500 yards,” Assistant Coach Tony Stubblefield said. “But there were some red flags when we heard the rumors that he would dispose of bodies by putting them in barrels of acid and throwing the barrels into the Hudson River.”

The UO administration was initially interested in Spinolli as a student, but became concerned after learning more of his history on the streets of New York

“We were excited to hear of a strong student athlete who was also interested in our math department,” Vice President of Student Affairs Robin Holmes said, noting Spinolli’s high math scores in college entrance exams. “But then we learned those calculation skills came from years of engaging in ballistics studies and learning how to make intentional train derailments look like an accident.”

UPDATE: At press time, the UO football team’s head coach, Mark Helfrich, announced that the team would suspend its recruiting processes after learning a transfer from Texas A&M may have taken part in war crimes during the Syrian Civil War.

Michael Gottfredson announced that Altman will remain as UO’s head basketball coach “because of his heartwarming honesty.”