UO Cheerleader Kills Boyfriend With T-Shirt Cannon At Oregon vs. Wyoming Football Game
(Originally posted on September 13, 2014.)
Eugene, Ore.— In what was supposed to be a pleasant and enjoyable evening of watching the rape of Wyoming — also known as “Saturday morning Oregon Ducks football” — University of Oregon senior cheerleader Amanda Pflugrad shot her boyfriend, Dalton Kerrigan, in the student section with a high-power t-shirt cannon.
The whole of Autzen Stadium witnessed the shooting on the Kiss Cam, where Dalton was initially seen following protocol and embracing the nearest female fan. Pflugrad allegedly fired the t-shirts in a blind rage.
Kerrigan’s friends claim Dalton was not cheating on Pflugrad and merely was obeying the jumbotron, which he saw as the god of Autzen Stadium — higher than the Oregon Ducks themselves.
“Dalton would never purposely cheat on Mandy,” said Carlos Danger, a close friend of Kerrigan who was sitting next to him at the moment of the shooting. “I mean, have you seen her in her cheerleading outfit? You’d have to be twenty beers deep to cheat on that, man. I think Dalton was at only, like, seventeen.”
“I can’t believe Kerr Bear is gone. He was too good for that bitch Amanda,” said one of Dalton’s moderately obese friends, Brittany Phlegm, later commenting on how “Amanda isn’t even that hot in her slutty uniform.”
Pflugrad was immediately taken into custody following Oregon’s attempt at converting a 4th and 1 play on the goal line for a touchdown. In a statement released by her attorney, who is also representing jersey chaser Zoey who got Duck basketball players kicked off the team for an alleged sexual assault, Pflugrad acknowledges her actions were unjustified, yet emphasizes the plausible cause.
“I am truly saddened that my actions against Dalton at the Wyoming game — Scoducks! Wooo! — resulted in his death,” she said. “His dick was, like, the biggest ever. While some might see my shooting a t-shirt cannon close-range and right into Dalton’s chest as murder, I was only standing my ground like George Zimmerman, as his hot and sexy cheerleader, and protecting myself from any further emotional damage being inflicted from that cheating bastard. But I’ve learned my lesson, and I’m, like, really sorry. I’ll just aim at the bitch who’s kissing my man next time.”
Kerrigan’s funeral procession will take place this upcoming Wednesday at the Burrito Boy of Broadway, which is where Kerrigan’s friends and relatives believe he always wanted to be laid to rest.