UO Pamphlet Photographers Capture Rare Sighting of Cultural Diversity on Campus
(Originally posted on May 28, 2014.)
Eugene, Ore. — Sources confirmed that pamphlet photographers at UO have captured a sudden, unexpected sighting of cultural diversity on campus. Authorities believe this rare diversity — which includes students of all scanty clothing, Frisbee throwing, guitar playing, open sexualities, white and not-as-white ethnicities, and unmatted hairstyles — is the result of the warm and sunny spring weather.
Photographers were on the prowl in the afternoon to take multiple photos of students unnaturally sitting in interracial circles while laughing hysterically over open Physics textbooks and enjoying exotic picnics, which will be used in pamphlets to recruit freshmen for fall 2014.
Timothy Watson, university photographer and diversity expert, expounded on his giddy excitement over the campus diversity:
You should have seen the goldmine I hit yesterday while spying on students in the field between the Global Scholars Hall and the Law Library. There was a Chinese pansexual female student with dyed blue hair reading a Gender Politics Theory textbook while simultaneously playing a mandolin; there was a Caucasian heterosexual male jock tossing a football into the air and laughing with his buddy, Eric, a dyslexic, asexual Jewish African-American Studies major with ear piercings and cuffed pants who was beating on bongos that he casually brought outside; there was a homosexual Ecuadorian male student with hair dreads who was writing a paper on Corporate Fraud while weaving a basket for Brittany, his best friend, who is a member of Kappa Gamma Chai and recently went blind due to a tragic overdose on bubble tea. Luckily, a bisexual Hispanic midget was there to describe to Brittany what he could see in the park, which consisted of an edgy guy wearing a fedora and playing cribbage with his Mandarin professor, a female Native American student discussing relevant socioeconomic issues and eugenics with the entire UO Male Crew Team, and UO President Gottfredson, who was, in turn, communicating telepathically with a paddle of ducks.
Watson compared the mood of observing student diversity on campus to deer watching, in that “people have to be careful not to scare them away from the fields, though these ones are between lecture halls. Especially if they are fire dancing and debating gun regulation at the same time. People eat that shit up in the pamphlets.”
The interview with Watson was cut short due to a text-message he received from another photographer who said he spotted a “Code Red” over by the atrium between Lillis and the Knight Library.
“Oh, wow! An Asian-Icelandic student clutching her notebooks and nodding her head emphatically while chatting with the Vice President for Student Affairs, Robin Holmes?! That’s like spotting a bald eagle perched on the top of a U.S. flag! I gotta go!” Watson said.
Sources confirmed moments ago that Watson is to be put on trial for placing hidden cameras in campus bathrooms. Watson allegedly did this in the hopes of capturing professors and students engaged in polite smalltalk while doing their business. He was fired on account that such access is exclusively granted to website photographers only.