UOPD Officer Resuscitates Californian Suffocating From Overlayering

Officer McDermit arrived just in time to save yet another Californian from suffocation.

(Originally posted on November 20, 2014.)

Eugene, Ore. — One hour ago, UOPD officer Carolyn McDermit saved freshman Chelsey Kalt from suffocation and immobility induced by wearing too many layers of clothing.

McDermit was surprised to hear about suffocation from overlayering in the fall until she discovered the suffocator was Californian.

“This happens a lot, but not usually during the fall,” McDermit said. “But I guess this fall has been a little colder than most, so as a Californian, you just want to pile on everything you’ve got.”

According to McDermit, the UOPD received an emergency call at 9:06 p.m. from “someone who was screaming and muffled, which we thought was a huge sign of a serious situation, until we saw this Californian and connected the dots to realize that one of her bundled-up Californian friends probably called.”

McDermit confirmed that, at the scene of the suffocation, Kalt was wearing 2 fur hats, 2 scarves, 7 necklaces, 3 pairs of contacts, 4 jackets, 1 Snuggie, 2 undershirts, 3 bras, 2 pairs of skinny jeans, 1 pair of workout pants, 5 pairs of socks, and 1 and a half pairs of Ugg boots. McDermit suspects Kalt began suffocating right as she tried to put on the second Ugg boot on her right foot.

“We all thought the girl was a freak until we found out she was Californian,” said UOPD officer Craig Friedermeyer, who assisted McDermit at the scene by calling 911 and then assuring them “everything’s all right; she’s a Cal gal.”

McDermit rapidly stripped Kalt of her clothing — a process which took over 30 minutes to complete — and performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Kalt responded within seconds, jolting awake, gasping for breath, and immediately grabbing for the nearest electric blanket in her 85 degree Fahrenheit apartment.

“18th century women with their corsets — yeah, they’ve got nothing on this girl’s ability to suffocate herself,” McDermit confirmed. “I’m glad we were able to help her, but honestly, I’m worried for her future. …Winter is coming.”