How to snap out of it
When willpower isn’t enough
I woke up sad yesterday. I didn’t see a reason, but I don’t much look for reasons these days. I know that feelings come from thoughts in the moment. It’s nice not to go down any panicky, “What life changes do I need to make to make myself happier?” rabbit holes.
And yet, I continued to spiral. Feeling sad and fighting the sadness made me tired. The kind of tired I used to be almost every day.
I climbed back into bed, too disconnected even to cry.
While lying there, I tried to remind myself of what I know, which is that I am whole, wise, well, and entirely okay, even underneath these feelings. But there was a voice in my head — a voice that will always sound familiar no matter how much time we spend apart — a voice that said, “Are you, though? What if this is the truth, and that’s the illusion?”
I tried every rational argument I could think of. I used every mantra I’ve ever found useful.
And then I got tired of trying. I didn’t want to fight anymore. “I give up,” I thought, “wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to try to convince myself of anything?”
I curled up and got cozy, feeling comforted by the soft bedding holding me, the rain tapping the window, and most of all by the knowledge that I would never leave this bed again.
And then — out of nowhere — a small voice that sounded like my own but also like it was more than just my own said, “Wouldn’t it also be comforting if we allowed ourselves to heal? Remember how exquisite it feels to heal?”
And I started to cry. I remembered who I am. I started to heal.