Trump TV: Welcome To The Twilight Zone
Rumor has it that if Trump loses the election he’s going to start Trump TV, his own television network catered to his supporters, in an attempt to annoy President Clinton as much as possible. Here’s some insight into what the Trump TV rundown might look like:
Morning Commute with Chris Christie: Find out if the bridges reaching liberal strongholds like Manhattan are open or closed as you prepare for your drive to work.
The News Hour with Roger Ailes: Is Hillary Clinton selling California to China? Are bankers destroying US sovereignty? Is Ryan Gosling’s body actually an alien? Catch up on all the important news of the day
The Business Hour with Donald Trump Jr.: Want to learn how to stiff a vendor? Fire an employee before she sues you for sexual harassment? Outsource jobs to China and Mexico (wall not withstanding)? Not pay federal taxes for 20 years? Learn the tools of the trade during the “Business Hour with Donald Trump Jr.”
World News with Vladimir Putin: This isn’t actually a segment on world news (you know you don’t care about the world) but a series of action shots with Vladimir Putin shirtless. Vladimir Putin tackling a bear? Check. Vladimir Putin riding a horse through Siberia? Check. Vladimir Putin teaching Dimitri Medvedev how to do lateral pulldowns? Check.
Mindful Meditation with Kellyanne Conway: Can’t stand your boss? Having trouble controlling the company Twitter account? Learn how to keep your cool no matter the circumstances with Kellyanne, our resident yoga and meditation specialist.
Game of Loans: Will Prince Eric make a play for the Golden Throne? Or will he be thwarted by Princess Ivanka? Find out who Trump will marry this season and if debt repayment really is coming for the Trump family!
Nasty Woman with Ivanka: Learn everything you need to know about how to become a “nasty woman” aka #womenwhowork. You might even learn how to bake a nasty casserole. Are casseroles even baked?
Everybody Hates Jeb! Even the alt-right needs a comedy hour, and what better way to lift your spirits than the travails of the the poster-boy of middle children everywhere.
Trump Time: Regale yourself with a 90-minute, uncensored stream of consciousness from the man himself. Watch as Donald Trump dissects all the different parts of Hillary that are clearly a failure. Her choice of pantsuits, how she sounds, her “nastiness.” We offer a free bottle of bourbon to every Trump TV subscriber so you can drink every time he completes a sentence or mentions one of his other businesses.
The Late Late Night Show with Dr. Ben Carson: Having trouble falling asleep? Join Dr. Ben Carson as he wraps up the day’s programming with a 30-minute live shot of him sleeping while standing still.
