In Awe of Light.

i was sitting in bed a while ago, wondering what to do with myself, and its odd…because every time I’ve written, its been because i couldn’t find a way to let the stench out. sometimes it seemed like something had died inside and continued to rot till i put it on paper, a catacomb of lines-wreaths of metaphors and floral language to honour the dead light of memories.

Its strange, the dark dingy cave that i had created for myself, came with an opening, i think i made it in my sleep, because i don’t remember really seeing the light grow with every inch that i carved away…maybe i wasn’t looking when i did it.

He’s not my saviour, he was incidental, and there was nothing wrong with that. till i started to miss the cold cave, the warmth of the summer Dadri sun was a little too strong for my brittle skin to take in, i was used to the damp, dank and mossy cold of my cave. i questioned every little frangipani outside my hostel wondering why?…why was it that when i put it in my hair, it smelled familiar…but at the same time…was missing the dark undertone that i was anticipating.

i questioned myself and wondered if i was feeling anything at all. Was i feeling anything at all? i hadn’t been…for a few months now, a calculus of the morgue infused with the dirge of the rudalis that sang in my cave, the smell of death had become so loud that i could not see what i was feeling.

Today, for the first time, I don’t miss my cave, or the comfort that i had found in treacle trickling down the goosebumps that i had forgotten were temporary.

Today, i felt. after a long time. my feelings were not a strange suspension of particles floating, infinitely, aimlessly, at the top of a test-tube never really reaching the bottom never settling anywhere, like a superficial mixture with nowhere to go. today my eyes didn’t crinkle when i felt the warm sun on my eyelids. today, the warmth welcomed me, with the darkness i carry within.

There was a sweet smell of flesh sizzling in the heat of death that filled my head immediately after.

I am the moth.

The worthless shabby creature consumed by the awe of the light.

I fell straight to the ground, burnt by the scorching light.

I twitched

I twitched.

and stopped.