Why being nice is not so nice
This post is about the book Not Nice by Dr. Aziz Gazipura
What comes to your mind when I say “John is a nice guy” or “Sally is a very nice lady” What do you think of John and Sally?
I’m sure for most of us, the impression we have about John and Sally is a pretty positive one. Maybe you think they are always smiley, friendly, and even kind.
Today I am going to tell you why being “Nice” might not be as good as you think, and how to overcome the “Nice guy/gal” syndrome and live your best life.
What is Nice?
The author of this book is a psychiatrist who had studied this topic for more than a decade. In short, he knows what he’s doing. So let me put an excerpt from the book here to clarify the definition of Nice:
[Nice is about] monitoring yourself to make sure you come across in a pleasing manner and don’t offend anyone. It’s making sure others like you and don’t have any negative feelings. No upset, confusion, boredom, irritation, sadness, hurt, anger, or fear. No discomfort whatsoever. Just happy, positive, approving thoughts and feelings.
At its core, being nice is about being liked by others by making everything smooth.
Dr. Aziz Gazipura
Yup ladies and gentlemen. That’s what Nice really is. Not kindness. Not high morale. Just nice.
Nice vs Kind
While on the surface they might look very similar, Niceness and Kindness are different things. Niceness’s mission is to make everybody feel “happy” or at least “okay,” and to prevent any uncomfortable situations. Kindness on the other hand aims to genuinely help people without being concerned about the perception of others. Niceness is rooted in fear of displeasing others while Kindness is rooted in humility.
Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less. Humility is thinking more of others.
C.S Lewis
What’s wrong with being nice
Niceness looks very good on the surface and even creates immediate beneficial effects. However, the negative consequences, while being immense, are very hard to notice and only apply in the long term. Therefore today I would like to show you what are the drawbacks of being nice:
1. It limits your potential
In general, deep down inside, nice people don’t believe they deserve much. Therefore they didn’t say things they really mean to say, do things they truly want to do, and ask for help that they need. These acts (or the absence of the acts) limit what they are capable of achieving.
2. You are less happy
Since nice people prioritize others’ needs day after day, they didn’t take enough care of themselves and feel resented inside. Depending on the spectrum of niceness, this could play out as a tad of unhappiness, physical body pains, or all the way to depression.
3. It prevents you from having a high-quality relationships
Based on this comprehensive Harvard study of hundreds of people’s lives, the researcher concluded one simple fact: good relationship is what makes us healthy and happy. However, as outlined in detail in this book Connect, in order to have a meaningful relationship, you need to open up yourself. It is also mentioned in the book Radical Candor. The author called nice people’s behaviors “Ruinous Empathy” which is one of the worst forms of human interactions in workplaces.
4. It prevents you from being truly giving
Most nice people I met are ones of the most caring and warmhearted people. They truly wish others well. However, surprisingly, the niceness symptoms prevent them from being truly giving. Since niceness uses some of your energy (in some cases all) to monitor yourself and make sure you’re liked or accepted, it’s impossible to be 100% focused on others and help them.
What’s the opposite of nice
Okay, so now you might wonder if I’m telling you to become an A** Hole instead? That’s actually what I was thinking when I was reading the beginning of this book.
The truth is: the opposite of “nice” is not to be a jerk. The opposite of nice is to be bold. To be 100% you. You are free of fear and judgment. You don’t care (aka.. don’t give a f*ck about what others might think of you). You can operate authentically in accordance with your beliefs and values. You can still be loving and caring. In fact, you will do better in those areas.
In short, once you overcome the niceness, you will be authentic, real, powerful, and happier. You have more to give and make a positive impact on everyone around you.
How to overcome “niceness”
If would like to overcome the niceness, I have good and bad news for you. The good news is that there are some concrete steps you can take to tackle this problem. The bad news is that it takes time. Depending on how long (and how much) of this nice guy/gal mentality has been living with you, it could take a while to fully overcome it. Let’s take a look at some of the key ideas I pulled out from the book and also my own experience.
1. Take self-care as your priority
As described above, most nice people don’t think they deserve much. As a consequence, they tend to neglect their self-care activities. What these activities look like is totally up to a person. The key thing is that you need to fill your cup full. As Oprah said here that you should be “Full of yourself.” If your cup is full and overflowing, you then don’t need to fill it anymore. You can focus your attention on others needs.
2. Address niceness at its core
As the author suggested, the root cause of niceness often came of childhood experiences, whether from parenting or from other kids/adults. In order to overcome the niceness, you might consider if you have any of these 6 negative stories as programs running in your day-to-day life. Once you identified them, tackle them head-on as the video suggested.
3. Stop trying to make everyone happy all the time
Steve Jobs said that if you to make everyone happy, sell ice cream. And that led me to open my ice-cream shop.
..I’m kidding
The truth is that even if you sell ice cream you can’t ensure that everyone will be happy. If your aspiration is to make everyone happy, you’ve already signed yourself up for misery. I did that before. For the most part of my life. And it sucked. So I suggested that if you notice this tendency in yourself, try to be mindful about it.
4. You are not responsible for others feelings
One of the core concepts in this book is that “You actually are not responsible for others’ feelings.” This was actually the hardest concept for me to take in. It just sounds super harsh. The author suggested that you understand that most people are not fragile (there are exceptions though). Most people are adults who can take care of themselves. We as humans were born and responsible for our own actions and feelings. You are not responsible for others’ feelings, and more importantly, others are NOT responsible for yours as well.
This doesn’t mean that you should go out and say mean things to others tomorrow. What I’m saying here is that you are responsible for your actions, but not others’ feelings. If you do the best things you can and people are still upset, sometimes you just have to let it go. It’s impossible to make everyone happy at all times. If you can make peace with this fact you will be much happier.
5. Know and respect your boundaries
I used to pride myself in having no boundaries. “I’m open and flexible!” “Come on in!”
Whether you know it or not, everyone does have their psychological boundaries. Just like how you would yell and call the police if a stranger invades your house, you should not let anyone invades your psychological boundaries freely. The problem is that most nice people don’t even know where their boundaries are, so how should others supposed to know! To conquer these problems, you need to know your boundaries and protect them. Make sure it’s clear to others as well.
6. Learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable situations
The programs running in nice people’s brains are something like:
Bad vibe = Not okay
Any discomfort in others or any uncomfortable situations shall be avoided at all costs. However, in order to be the real and powerful you, you have to embrace uncomfortable situations. Here are some examples:
- Criticism is okay
- People just say stuff. And sometimes those are not nice stuff.
- Saying No is totally fine
- Argument and Disagreement (with respect) can be constructive
7. Apology Fasting
There were tons of exercises and tips covered in this book, but this one hit me home. I used to apologize probably more than 10 times in a single day for no good reasons! It’s almost like I was sorry for my existence. This is not a healthy habit at all.
The author suggested that you tried Apology fasting: stop apologizing without a good reason for 10 days! Of course, you should apologize if you do something that is not aligned with your values like saying harsh things to your spouse or stepping on someone’s toe. In those cases, you should definitely apologize. In general though, you should be very mindful when you say “sorry.” Ask yourself if you really mean it.
And that’s it, folks. That’s why nice is not nice! These are not easy stuff. These are deep. Perhaps can take years. But if you notice anything in this article that resonates with you or someone you love, I’m positive that the journey out of niceness will be one of the most rewarding. I wish you all the best things in the whole-wide-world.
Love
