A Human Fear

When I’m in the water, it’s not just my lizard brain that speaks to me. I talk a lot with my five-year-old-self. The self that can only communicate in emotions. The self that is young, and excitable, and stubborn, and sulky, and angsty. The young self who is surprisingly potty-mouthed for his age. (Which of course provides a strong contrast to the adult I’ve become :-P). The young self who has a large amount of things that he wants me to hear. The young self that has a surprising amount of wisdom. If only I would listen.

Wim Hof says being in the cold is ‘ennobling’. I couldn’t agree more. It feels
like therapy to me. It forces you to confront any internal dissonance. I basically had an emotional breakdown and breakthrough a few months in. When I was in the water I was all out of whack. My lizard brain was yelling about my safety. My five year old self was freaked out and throwing a tantrum. My analytical self seemed to make no headway in calming these two down. Being in the water was an emotional rollercoaster. When I wasn’t feeling fear, I was feeling very foolish. Why was I doing this again?

I had to take a breath and put it all on the chopping block. I had to be willing to walk away.

My mind got quieter. I found myself asking rhetorical questions. And getting responses! It was quiet enough to hear my five year old self.

And then the questions came in droves.

Would I complete the swim? How would I feel how people looked at me if I failed? How would I feel if I failed? Which did I dislike more? (The latter). What was I planning on sharing? What was helpful to share? Was this all for my ego? That’s definitely in there. Was that the only reason I’m doing this?

What follows are conversations I had with my 5 year old self. You might be surprised how much of this conversation took place while in the bay swimming.

*Why the fuck am I doing this?*

Because I want to! Because I like how it will make me feel. To affect some
change? I don’t know…

*You lost steam there pretty quick kiddo, you don’t know?*

It felt easier when I was playing — doing it for me and telling no one. Now it feels like homework.

*Ok. Interesting. When did it start to feel hard?*

It felt hard when it felt like I was doing this for someone else and for my ego. I wanted to throw up my arms and quit.

*But then you got back in the water?*

Well yea! Then I felt free again. Then I wanted to do it again.

*Woah! That’s interesting! Why is that?*

I don’t know. I do want to do it. I know I can do it. Something in me really wants to do it.

*So why is talking about it hard?*

I don’t like feeling less than. I would give anything not to feel that way. I’m afraid that people will put me in that bucket. I’m afraid that people will judge me and never give me another chance.

*That’s a lot of talk about other people. How will you feel?*

[sulks]

I would think less of me

…

*Woah! I can tell there’s a lot of pain there. Why? Why would you think less of you?*

Because I couldn’t do it.

*So what? A lot of able bodied people can’t do it. A lot of people choose not to.*

Yea … but I want to be different. I don’t want to be lumped into the ‘MS’ bucket.

*But you have MS*

But I’m not like them! No!

[crosses arms]

*You can still have agency and have MS*

But what’s the point? If I can’t get what I want? What’s the point of agency? If all my choices suck? Fuck that.

[a screaming tantrum follows]

*You know there are things you can’t do, right? No matter what?*

Yea but …. not this thing. Not this thing that I want. And I can do a lot of things. And I’m good at getting what I want despite the MS

*Ok. But … there are things you cannot do because of the MS*

Oh yea? Fuck you. Like what? Dare me …

*You can’t work in a hot kitchen all day. You can’t pull all nighters anymore. You know you’re not good at video games because of your eyes … you couldn’t be a fighter pilot because of your eyes. You couldn’t run a marathon in hot weather. Hot tubs are a bad idea. You can’t do an eating contest …*

Well I don’t care about most of those things and I don’t believe you … I could do those things … just some would be at a price.

*Ok! So then let’s restate! You can’t do somethings because of MS, but that’s ok, but this one thing you care about, so you’re afraid …*

Yea…

*So again … why would you think less of yourself?*

I’d be disappointed. I would feel defeated. I would feel less than.

*And you’ve pinned that all on this one thing?*

Yea!

Well. I mean. It’s by my own design.

This is the thing I’ve chosen that matters to me. I can’t really explain why I want to do it so much.

*Try*

To me it’s ultimate agency.

It’s a challenging thing to begin with, which I’m drawn towards. I would feel proud of myself for doing it.

*That’s pretty honest … keep going … *

But I’m curious. It just seems fun.

*Fun? Most people think you’re crazy!*

As much as I’m looking forward to the Alcatraz swim, I’m looking forward more to swimming in the cove regularly with others. The pool is so boring. So sterile. This is an active environment. This is engaging. I need to adapt to my environment all the time. I’m part of a community! I need to swim with others for safety. And for fun! I can explore and share this experience with friends and others. And its not a homogeneous community! There are all sorts of people who swim! I’ve found how much community means to me, and I don’t want to lose all of this. I love those guys.

*Cool! Do you think you’d lose that if you couldn’t swim Alcatraz?*

[sulky]

….

No

*Do you think you could try again?*

…

Yea

*Do you think the club members would think less of you?*

…

I don’t know
I guess not really

*Do you think you need to think less of yourself?*

[looks away]

I don’t know …

Yea

[starts crying]

* It’s ok. You’re well loved Sean! *

[blubbering]

It feels like that’s all I have …

* What is? What is all you have? *

In the absence of the ability to do it … all I have is my rigor, my objectivity.

The ability to recognize that it is a difficult thing and the value in doing the
hard thing. And holding myself to a standard.

*Ah! so you don’t want to lose the rigor*

Yea.

I feel like thats my last defense

If everyone thinks less of me, and I want to do this thing, and I fail at it,
and I think less of me … at least I can say I’m objective.

No one can take that away from me …

[starts sobbing again]

*Do you believe that? That’s one hell of a horse trade! You’re trading away any feeling of happiness just to be technically correct? You fail at this one thing and the only thing you have is rigor and objectivity? You’re just gonna give up? You’re beaten? You’re done?*

Well … noOOoo!

[eyeroll]

[small giggle]

*Ok … so how would you look at yourself?*

I’d still be disappointed.

*Ok. its fine to have standards … but why the emotional torture? What is that serving?*

me?

Me!

[gets angry]

It’s serving me to get better for next time.

*Sure. To some extent. The idea of that is true. But the torture isn’t serving you. There’s no need for the self torture.*

I don’t know any other way. This has proven to be an effective tool for my whole life. This has been my compass.

*Sigh. I know. I know how true that is. I know the pain you’ve used to positive ends. But you know what? It’s no longer a tool. You’ve over used it. Look in your hand. It’s sharp from over use. Now it’s a knife. And you’re hurting yourself. I know how effective that knife can be. Carving out pieces of yourself to find a way to be better. *

Yea! You get it. You know.

*But there is another way.*

I don’t believe you. This is what I know. This is all I have.

[clasps knife to chest]

*No one is forcing you to do anything. This is 100% your choice*

[weary]

O.K.

*If you won’t do it for proactive reasons … do it for your health … that’s one sacrifice you’re no longer willing to make, right?*

Yea …

*Why is that? Why won’t you sacrifice your health anymore?*

Because it hurts. Because it makes me feel bad.

*Can you be more specific than bad?*

When I feel bad I can’t play with my friends.

*And how does that make you feel?*

Sad. Mad. Afraid. Alone. All of those.

*When you torture yourself you get stressed and stress hormones are bad for you … real bad. You know that right?*

…

Yea … I know.

*And the knife makes you feel bad too, right?*

[looks down]
[whimpers]

Yea…

*So can you put down the knife?*

[pause]

*Please?*

ok

[hands it over]

*Can I get a hug?*

O.K.

[Big Hug]

*Do you feel better?*

Yea

*Now I’m curious. Why are you swimming from Alcatraz?”

[Big Smile]

For me! To play in the water with my friends!

*Great! Go have fun!*