Coin Flip

This weekend I’ve been sick. And that’s got me worried again.

It would be some supreme irony if the thing that prevented me from doing the swim was a simple cold. Ironic perhaps, but no coincidence. I don’t believe in chance.

I’ve been stressed about the swim for most of July. My breakthrough swim last week felt great, and I felt a great sense of relief afterwards. But just like a post-finals sickness, it came. There’s something going around at work, but I seemed ok, till after that swim. My body knew it could let it go, and then boy do I get sick when that happens.

And man am I frustrated. I spent the whole weekend ‘relaxing hard’. I stayed in. Talked to no one. Read books. Ate good food. Got a massage. Still. Come monday morning, wasn’t feeling well.

I spent a lot of time reflecting this weekend. I’ve given up a lot to train for this. It feels like I haven’t seen my friends all summer. I haven’t gone up to Sonoma. I’ve opted out of a lot of things to train train train.

I’m also real in my head about the writing and the broader project I have in mind. I’m frustrated that the training consumed the time it takes to write. I have several drafts unpublished. I’ll have to unpack those later. I’m also frustrated that I couldn’t come up with a way for people to join me in this fight. Donating is an easy answer. And broadly, I don’t want to start a foundation, I want to give the foundations a better outlet to spend their money on. But as it stands, I’m not that happy with the existing options for donation. And so just giving people a button to donate feels like a cop out. But that has me spinning in my head. Has this all been an exercise in narcissism? It feels like such a waste to let this opportunity go by without enrolling people to help in the fight. But, I can only do so much. I’ll have to trust that people will come with me on the journey, and it’ll be worth it.

I am looking forward to Saturday either way. Either way, I get to see a bunch of great people. And I get to dress silly. And eat good food. That sounds pretty great to me. As much as I was frustrated, I’m now feeling pretty calm about the whole thing. What happens happens.

And it’s poetic that this happens at the eleventh hour. This is my demon. Of course it appears near the finish line. I triumph or I don’t. But either way, the story continues.

I got in the water again last night. Just for an easy swim. And I felt much better afterwards. I’m taking it easy today to make sure I’m ok. But I’m hoping I’ve turned a corner. Our fearless swim director Simon Dominguez (who swam to the Farallons until a shark started tailing him) has a saying … ‘Eat Concrete and Harden the Fuck Up’.

I feel like I’ve been living my life that way a long long time. Sometimes the best way to overcome is to soften. That’s a new trick for me, but I’m trying. But I can’t completely remove my edge either. So my mantra these days is ‘Zen As Fuck’.

We’ll see if that works.

P.S. Now’s the time to send good vibes ;-)