3 Reasons to Stop Working on a Relationship
Common relationship management myth debunked
I’ve been in the relationship management profession for over 10 years, and I keep coming across one myth again and again:
Good relationship managers can and should have good relationships with anyone.
I can’t disagree more.
Yes, we all encounter situations where we have to interact with someone we can’t associate with. We keep our negative emotions in check to maintain neutral interactions with people we dislike, at work, for example, or with extended family members.
But a good relationship is so much more than just a neutrally polite interaction.
A good relationship involves various degrees of trust, open communication and ease. In a good relationship we can relax (physically, mentally and emotionally), at least to a certain degree.
One might say that good relationships don’t just fall into our laps; we should work on them. Of course, we should. Yet, there comes a point where we can decide that the relationship isn’t worth our time and effort.
It’s not just about personal life. Relationships with friends, family members, bosses, peers, community members — all these are important, too. Many of us spend more time at work or involved in community activities than we do with family.
So, here are some early red flags — that I personally try to identify early in the interaction — that the relationship isn’t really worth working on.
1. Stop working on the relationship, if the person’s values are in opposition to yours.
Say, you strive for a win-win approach in relationships, and I love winning at all costs and seek adrenalin-based relationships. It’s not just about having different approaches that we can readily adjust. It’s about different mindsets.
When foundational life values differ too much, a good relationship is impossible unless two people are locked in circumstances where they are forced to put tremendous amounts of work into the relationship to make it survive. Key words here are ‘locked’ and ‘forced’. Unless, of course, someone voluntarily decides to change their values, which doesn’t happen often.
So, what will happen if we keep working on the relationship?
Inevitably, sooner or later, we’ll end up in a situation where our values clash and someone will have to choose between their values and the other person. It’s likely to be a painful and emotionally draining experience. The more work we’ve put into the relationship, the more bitter we’ll feel in the end.
What to do?
Know your life values and talk about them early in the interaction. If the other person says that their values are very different and they don’t understand mine — I put my pink glasses aside and believe the person. It’s unrealistic to expect that the person will change their values just to fit into my picture of the world.
When I was much younger, I thought it was a bit silly to put my values out on the table very early in the interaction. It felt awkward — like putting a price list in front of the other person. Almost implying that they should do it my way, or the highway. Where’s the drama, the confused excitement and a place for maneuver?
As I’m getting older though, I realize that I have less time and patience for drama and all the misunderstandings and pains that usually accompany dramas.
2. Stop working on the relationship, if the person misreads you, again and again.
The person keeps misinterpreting your behavior and you feel like you’ve suddenly turned into a walking talking enigma. And this happens — generally — only with this person.
If someone has continuous trouble deciphering my behavior, words, and motivations, I realize that our values and backgrounds are probably so vastly different that the relationship will be very challenging. Or perhaps the person is so self-absorbed they simply can’t focus on me.
What will happen if we continue working on the relationship?
Being enigmatic might sound exciting, but it can also feel very lonely. It’s exhausting to have to explain myself and my actions all the time. Then there’s a nagging suspicion that suddenly starts creeping in that something must be wrong with the way I am. That I might need to somehow fix my behavior and express myself in a way that another person finds easier to understand. That’s how we start losing ourselves in relationships.
What to do?
People who are genuinely interested in the relationship, start paying attention. They ask questions and listen. They try to understand you. If they don’t ask questions, they aren’t interested. Period. In my view, there’s not much I can do about it.
3. Stop working on the relationship, if the person avoids responsibility.
Ever been in a situation where you’re suddenly the one to blame for an interaction that goes downhill?
- Maybe because you’re ‘good with people so you should have been smarter’.
- Maybe because you’re a woman and ‘women should be more attuned to emotions and relationships’.
- Maybe because you’re in a more vulnerable position in this interaction.
- Or maybe ‘just because’.
It doesn’t really matter if this is a manipulative technique, a genuine belief, or simply a lack of interest. What matters is the unpleasant feeling that I’m always expected to make the first moves, apologize, and explain myself.
What will happen if we continue working on the relationship?
Sooner or later, you’ll be expected to admit that you’re the problem, hence you have to fix things, that is, drop your values, change your behavior, and stop asking difficult questions.
What to do?
When someone starts avoiding responsibility for the relationship with me, I take it as a sign that they want to avoid interacting with me. They, in fact, want to avoid me. And that’s Okay. I don’t like the feeling of constantly chasing the person and forcing myself on them. Perhaps the other person has figured out — well before I did — that the relationship wouldn’t work out anyway. It’s time to let them go.
Opposing life values, lack of interest in someone’s personality and avoiding responsibility — these are exactly the red flags that, in my view, scream ‘stop working on the relationship’.
‘Indifference is expensive. Hostility is unaffordable. Trust is priceless. It is all about relationships. ‘— Ted Rubin
Good relationships are meant to be productive and create a certain zone of comfort.
Instead of investing time and energy into relationships that are likely doomed and will only bring disappointment, hurt self-confidence, and broken hopes, we can find people who are on the same wavelength as us. That’s when relationships are worth working on. These people are out there, we just have to shift our focus of attention and start looking.
Read Garima Sharma’s article about good communication skills:
And Dawn Smiles’ article about the personal path to joy:
✍ — Published by Gabriela Trofin-Tatár at Dancing Elephants Press. Click here for submission guidelines.
