Complete In Incomplete
Essay on Positivity for DEP Book Project Group 1
There is nothing you can see that is not a flower, there is nothing you can think that is not the moon — Matsuo Basho
Introduction: The Long and Short of it
“Don’t worry, you are not dying.”
A rather thin but confident voice descended over me through a pair of comforting eyes, semi-covered by rimless rectangular reading glasses.
I was sitting in the examination chair in my newly found Rheumatologist’s chamber, presenting myself with a long list of medical complains.
One Month Prior:
As I was getting ready for my gym, which I have come to enjoy for good few months now, I felt tired.
My body needs to be reprimanded for complacence, I thought.
I forced myself out and commenced by regular aerobics on treadmill.2–3 minutes into my running sessions, I felt a numbing feeling down my waist. The pinning sensation became unbearable, and I ceased running midway and finished my workout with light stretches. While coming back I felt better.
This chore continued for the next few days where I started tired, felt exhausted while working out and a little better while coming back, till the day I could not convince myself into this routine, excruciated by the day.
During this time, I developed other symptoms like hazy vision, insufferable pain in the lower body, where a drop of water ingested gave me severe abdominal cramps.
Gradually the pain moved upwards, resulting in stiffness of upper limb and shoulder.
Even moving my head hurt.
By end of the month, every inch of my body was in pain, me unable to sit, stand or even sleep, forget continuing regular work.
Passing each minute became a challenge and I asked myself “Am I dying?”
Yes, it felt like that!
Current Day:
Dr Shaw scanned my reports and declared, that I had a rare kind of Autoimmune disorder, that has affected my spine, and severe inflammation was the reason of all the sickness I was experiencing.
I was put on steroids (injections continued for the next two months) followed by NSAIDs (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug), to be continued till my parameters attained normal value.
With abnormally high ESR (Erythrocytes Sedimentation Rate) & CRP (C-Reactive Protein) and abysmally low Calcium and Vitamin D, notwithstanding other blood parameters which went haywire — I was in for a long haul.
My Moment Arrived:
I was in the hospital going forward with the tests further prescribed, which took me the whole day.
As I waited for the phlebotomist to draw some blood for my gene marker test, my legs caved in.
I looked around for a support and saw a porter rushing towards me with a wheel chair.
I wanted to refuse but could not muster enough strength to do so.
As the Porter helped me with the wheel chair, I felt the fight-n-flight I was
embarking on.
Something inside me hardened.
The Battle to Find Positivity and Staying Positive:
“Don’t force yourself to do anything.” Looking up from writing his prescription, Dr Shaw made a friendly suggestion.
Often statements made with nonchalance, acquire deeper meaning when things unfold, and are good ways of treating chronic illness by experienced medical practitioners.
My rheumatologist was one such, and the statement found its meaning in the subsequent days, when on medication, I lost my ability to do anything at will, and had to depend on my body signals to even consume water or move my hands.
Days of frustration creeped in.
Confined mostly to my bed, weak, fatigued, coupled with brain fog, severe mood swings with clinical depression and insomnia, keeping pace with hope became an arduous task.
Though I had the information of slow progress, harping on undying faith when there is no light in sight, is often not easy.
I knew, I have embarked on a lone battle, where people around just worrying, however with right intent, did little to help my cause.
My struggles to stay positive and see myself through my sickness commenced.
Shaping Poetry:
In one such Monday morning, not knowing how to make sense of the situation so diseased and sedate, inadvertently, I took refuge in my journal.
Slowly, the alphabets turned into words, words into sentences, sentences into thoughts and thoughts into feelings. My soul rendezvous with my diary was in my own space, with my loner self, in my pain, in my despair, and in my hopes. The bonding rooted deep, cosy and comfortable, away from life’s cacophony, creating a world of happy co-existence.
The intricate web of questions, confusions, worries that blighted the mind-sky, slowly metamorphosed into soul searching, meaning, purpose and connecting me to myself.
Stumbling through some trials by time, finally came 2020, with its unforgettable musings. Physical connect taking a back seat, virtual connections forayed into the arena like it had no end.
And me, walking through the clouds, embarked on a journey of a life time.
All the words my pen scribbled connecting me to my being, breaking and decoding an existence of cellular kind, seated comfortably in some oblivion-corner, found wings.
What followed was pure magic.
My roots found nourishment and grew its branches. The branches grew its greens, fruits and flowers. The flowers conversed with the wind, which carried its pollen everywhere it travelled, and after being around virtually, for almost two years now, I am safely home.
Crafting and Coloring Canvas of Life:
All of it started as a necessity. What began as a wild effort to get back my limb movements, where drawing a straight line became a challenge and gave my drug infested dazed brain some hours of relaxation and relief, slowly turned into something I began to enjoy.
With nothing much in mind, I painted anything I lay my hands to — doors, windows, cupboard, old pieces of furniture, trunk, pottery or cushion covers.
During lockdown, when it was time to share my poetry with the world, I started with my own illustrations and painting made its foray, for it to stay.
Painting my heart out to my soul’s content was my way of putting colour back to my disease-induced, otherwise dull life.
My poetry and painting became my passport to the outside world, which helped me to reconnect and make my life meaningful and became the catalyst to staying positive.
Techniques of Positivity:
Arthur Ashe, the first African-American tennis player to win Singles title in Wimbledon, was surprisingly diagnosed with HIV+, which he supposedly contracted following two of his heart surgeries.
When the news turned public and Ashe was asked, does the question “Why Me”, ever cross his mind. His reply was one to come by:
“50 Million children started playing Tennis, 5 Million learnt to play Tennis, 500 000 learnt Professional Tennis, 50 Thousand came to Circuit, 5 Thousand reached Grand Slam, 50 reached Wimbledon, 4 reached the Semi-finals, 2 reached the Finals and when I was holding the cup in my hand, I never asked God:
“Why Me? ”So now that I’m in pain how can I ask God: “Why Me?”
This story was passed on to me, in my initial days of fighting the disease, and did wonders to my ever questioning, restless mind which in a vortex of pain, loss and acute suffering, often asked “Why Me”?
In this conformist world, demanding ‘normalcy’ at their own will, it is socially challenging to be ‘different’. But if you keep faith in your abilities and back yourself with some degree of stubbornness, you can find the silver linings even in darkened cumulonimbus, ready to storm your life.
Now, let me list a few techniques, which helped me to see through my days in sickness:
Self-Soliloquy: The single most habit that will pull you up the rabbit hole, every time you are about to fall. Talk yourself out of mess you don’t create for yourself, but life bestows upon you, any way. However, social -beings we are, over time you realise, sometimes life puts you on path, which needs to be travelled alone.
Maintaining Journal: With so many things that keep happening through out the day, it is not always practical or prudent to have somebody around to soothe you. Your journal is your right companion on days dissonant, which will be what you want — a good listener.
Mindfulness and Meditation: I will include this with a rider, as it takes time to reach this point. I took several months (4–5) to get to that mode where I could completely focus, concentrate and be mindful for just 20 minutes. It needs practice and patience, but is achievable.
Pat your own back: Let the world loose its faith on you, let them think you are a non-doer, never leave yourself to the mercy of this tough world. Take charge.
Find a Goal: Which is slightly difficult but not impossible. When you know it is not feasible to free yourself from the earthly drudgeries, find a way to divert yourself. Most of my poems and art are outcome of my ‘bad days’.Find yours.
Conclusion:
When there is no place that you have decided to call your own, then no matter where you go, you are always heading home — Muso Soseki
Positivity is the precursor to happiness, and happiness is what we all aim in life, not always knowing how to touch the spot.
You often don’t reach where you want to be, calling for depressive days, but with little effort, can find yourself in a space where you ought to, maybe, in a more meaningful way than you imagined.
Finding completeness in your incomplete self, knowing you will not miss out on things that are meant for you, learning that you never get everything you ask or dream for in life, is a cherished moment priceless.
Thank you to the Editorial Team Lady Dr. Gabriella Korosi Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles Sharing Randomly in #DEP book project, for this wonderful opportunity for collaboration.
