I Wish I Had Loved Myself More
In response to Dancing Elephants July Relationship Prompt
If’s, but’s, and more when I think about my childhood. It was a roller coaster ride mostly. A quiet, gentle father who was loving and ready to help with homework, but the help ended there. A mother who was stern beyond our liking, but we had to listen.
In those days, children were seen, not heard, so I could never voice my opinions or likings and dislikes; if I did, I was shut down quickly and effectively. Since Father let me pour my heart out, I did pour it out, but that was where it ended. He was not ready to take it up with our mother.
I begged at one point to be put in a boarding school in hopes of pursuing my dreams, but that wasn’t an option, and Dad would say, “Soon you will be married and gone and free to do what your heart desires.” That was the freedom I was taught.
The only way out was to get married.
Education was emphasized much, but a job was not to be discussed before marriage. So I sought that motherly love outside the home, with relatives, friends, and anyone who paid attention. I starved for recognition, and as I grew into adulthood, I realized the power of seduction.
