Your Brain on Rejection: Why Love & Loss Make You Crazy
The science behind our strongest emotions
Brain imaging is one way scientists know what happens in love and rejection.
Photo: National Institutes of Health (NIH)Love. Such a simple word for such a complex emotion. Both romantic and platonic love can bring the most exhilarating of highs and the deepest fathoms of gut-wrenching grief. Losing a person or community can consume our thoughts in much the same way that falling in love does and cause us to act in completely illogical ways.
My friend — I’ll call him John — is one of the deepest thinkers I know. Trustworthy, careful, even-keeled. Yet, he describes a series of actions in the face of losing his girlfriend that left him repeatedly questioning how the rational person he knows himself to be could make such irrational decisions. Never with ill intent. But dramatic gestures nonetheless that shocked even himself. It quickly severed any remaining relational ties and immersed him in a pile of shame and self-blame that he couldn’t seem to dig out from.
As someone with training and experience in spiritual care and counseling, it’s a story I hear on repeat as a volunteer. Why is it that so many people blow up relationships that mean so much to them? When I’ve heard regrets along these lines in the past —especially from hospital patients reviewing their lives —I listened and tried to help them identify steps to find inner peace.
But recently, I personally behaved in ways I couldn’t explain. Ways that didn’t align at all with who I know myself to be. It felt so different in these shoes. And I was in utter disbelief about how I could be here. I wanted answers.
John’s loss was a person. Mine, an entire community. Research shows that fear of losing a person or group important to you — especially if you have previous loss of that magnitude — can trigger actions that often don’t make sense, even to the person who carries them out.
“Interpersonal rejections constitute some of the most distressing and consequential events in people’s lives. Whether one considers a romantic rejection, the dissolution of a friendship, ostracism by a group, estrangement from family members, or merely being ignored or excluded in casual encounters, rejections have myriad emotional, psychological, and interpersonal consequences,” said Mark Leary, PhD, in his study on emotional responses to interpersonal rejection published on the website of the National Institutes of Health. “People not only react strongly when they perceive that others have rejected them, but a great deal of human behavior is influenced by the desire to avoid rejection.”
Romantic love can serve as a starting point to understanding what happens amid rejection during other major life situations.
When you fall in love, your brain releases feel-good hormones — including dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. These hormones build relational bonds and reinforce pleasure in the same parts of your brain and in much the same way as a cocaine-infused night out. It’s like soaring through the cosmos in such absolute euphoria that even your overly-demanding boss or that cranky barista seem like they just need a hug. You are addicted. And dying for your next hit.
Unfortunately, there’s also a reason for the phrase “love hurts.” The same hormones that make you feel awesome also cause excruciating pain. It’s what happens on the other side of that drug-fueled night out. Need to the point it hurts. Anguish over unfavorable responses. Emotional chaos.
Fear of loss amps up the messy side of those hormonal responses and tosses logic momentarily out the window as one desperately tries to keep it from happening. We’ll say the craziest things, if we think it might reverse the downward spiral, which typically leads to the very loss that terrified us in the first place.
Research shows it’s surprisingly common — up to 75% of people for social rejection and more for romantic — to oddly react in ways so strongly that it surprised themselves when facing a major loss. The same hormones involved in romantic love are also engaged in other deep connections — such as intimate friendships, family relations, and group dynamics. If they made you feel amazing at some point, those hormones got activated. Thus, we can also experience similar attachments and reactions amid fear of losing a platonic relationship or cherished community. Especially if we experienced past abandonment or community trauma. Previous experiences increase likelihood of panic-driven reactions.
John felt growing distance. He expressed specifics of what hurt, hoping she’d close the space and see things didn’t need to be this way. It was meant to be a step toward her. But she clearly didn’t see it that way. She was furious. Did she think he was criticizing her? Dismissing her? Angry?
As the relationship quickly soured, it left him feeling like someone clawed his heart out of his chest with rusty, jagged gardening tools and stomped all over it. Like he just might crack in half. One minute he’s telling himself he’s strong and can get through it. The next, he’s balled up in tears, at the mercy of giant waves of heartache.
The panic that ensued the realization she was done with him still haunts him. He played it on loop in his head for weeks, trying to figure out how his actions could be real.
I now understand from my own panic-driven experience that when you try your best, that’s one thing. And sure, when you make a mistake, that’s harder. But this was a whole new level. Because I’d never do that. I’d never say that. How did that even for a second seem like it might help? This must be a nightmare I’m going to wake up from.
I wanted to give myself an out that surely not everyone baffled by their own actions can say. After cleaning our bathroom, I’d mixed up my allergy medicine with narcotics leftover from recent surgery when I put my pills back on the sink. I took that for more than a week before I went to refill the prescription and realized what happened. I don’t know how much that factored in. But I do know I freaked out at what I was losing.
I never knew regret like this before and it ate me alive. Not just because of the consequences I now had to live with. But also because I hurt people I care about, damaged relationships, and caused stress, to say the least. Most of all, I couldn’t get over that I was in this mess for something I couldn’t even identify with. I’d never felt worse in my life. My own personal self-induced living hell.
I knew sorry wasn’t enough. That was very clear. No way to fix it. No closure to be had. No reconciliation to reach. I didn’t blame her. I would have felt the same in her shoes. The consequences would mean losing both a person and a community I adored, flipping the day-to-day rhythm of my life on its head. For me, that felt massive. The group literally became part of my identity. And I felt lost without it.
For those who divorce, the layers of grief can compound even more, as couples grapple with losing a lover, time with children, other family ties, cherished friendships, or whole communities, not to mention potentially devastating their finances. There’s a reason divorced people are three times as likely to commit suicide.
It’s important to take time to grieve each segment of the loss, identifying steps to a better future. If finances are dire, for example, meet with a professional and create a plan with incremental actions to achieve future goals.
Logically, John knew those few, shameful days should not define him. Even with counseling, he still wrestles with bouts of disgust with himself, as well as “what if” and “how could I” questions. But he is trying to walk down the road of self forgiveness. I’m trying, too. It’s a struggle.
As a spiritual care provider, here are some of the things I’ve learned can help amid the reality and consequences of actions you wish you could change, but can’t.
1.) Seek therapy. Talking things through with a professional is healthy for everyone at some point in their life. And this is likely one of those times, especially if you are in a cycle of self-blame.
2.) If possible, make amends. This doesn’t necessarily mean restoring the relationship. But finding peace with another is incredibly healing for all involved. If amends can’t happen, processing your regrets and thoughts in writing is a proven therapeutic action. This might take the form of journaling, poetry, or a letter you never send. If you believe in such things, prayer for both parties and the humility that you really are only human can help.
3.) Construct a few sentences —no more than five — of the story of this relationship. It’s what you’ve learned about yourself. Was it a story about your beliefs? An awakening of the kind of activities that bring you joy? Or lacks in your life that you need to address?
4.) Let your disgust at your own actions fuel you. Given what you’ve done, ask yourself what you can now do — what options still exist — to live in a way consistent with who you genuinely are and want to be moving forward. Perhaps there is a way to anonymously honor the person you wronged that can help you put things to rest. Or maybe there is a way to use your experience for good. My volunteer pastoral work was borne of personal regret of taking part in a church community and mindset that I later realized was deeply harming others. Helping others break that judgement cycle and inspiring more love and grace helps me, too.
5.) Get physical and bring on the tunes. The brain also releases that love hormone, oxytocin, when we listen to music and exercise. So doing those things are proven therapy for heartache. Go ahead and make that breakup playlist. Then follow it with an empowering, motivational one and dance!
6.) Recognize the ways you may be idealizing the path you didn’t take, without blaming yourself or the other person. In both John’s case and mine, differing communication styles led to a series of misunderstandings. That’s not a sign of anyone being wrong. But it certainly makes things challenging.
7.) Look for silver linings. Is there anything good happening now in your life that wouldn’t have if you walked the other path? An activity you might not have explored? Another person you wouldn’t have found? John is now dating someone who, when he told his story, simply said, “We all do crazy things when we’re really hurt.”
8.) Recognize that time really does heal. Scars may remain. But things that feel consuming today often seem much smaller months down the road, guiding you to new understandings and personal growth you wouldn’t have found if things had gone differently.
9.) Define next steps. We all have moments we are not proud of. Even when they feel on a scale more massive than anything we’ve ever done before, these anomalies don’t define us unless we let them. If that’s not who you want to be, what can you do differently today, tomorrow, and next week to embody exactly who you do want to be?
. ✍ — Published by Dr. Preeti Singh at Dancing Elephants Press. Click here for submission guidelines.
