Whose fucking idea was 2016????

My year in a word? Horse fucking shit! (yes, that’s one word). For the entire last quarter of the year, I continued to rant vehemently to whoever would listen about how full of shit my whole year has been.

Every fucking time, I got the same reply; it can’t really be that bad. Well it was. It fucking was and here’s how:

1. The year started from June because the first Five months failed to happen. Do you know how fucking empty your life has to be for nothing at all to happen in Five whole months??? huh?? do you??
2. Sometime in June, I was the hostage of a mentally disturbed rapist for Eight hours and narrowly escaped rape. Hurray for me, always staying out of trouble, this one.
3. Suicide squad happened and I ended up with PTSD that I may have to live with for the rest of my life.
4. My grandma died and I got sad because I wasn’t really sad that she died.
5. The man whose genitals I liked best got a girlfriend and moved to another country leaving me stranded on the brink of a near-fatal sex drought. I hope you die Lanre.
6. The other man whose genitals I liked best stopped having genitals I liked best.
7. I fell into the hands of another mentally disturbed rapist and got lucky again.
8. I had about five million bouts of depression and like three pimples in the process which somehow is the really sad part.
9. I missed my message from Team Snapchat on at least three holidays
10. Prince fucking died and probably went to hell where people who eat avocado and try to pay for work with “Exposure” live.
11. There was a fire in my bedroom that I absolutely did not cause.(I really didn’t cause it, I swear).
12. I moved from “Student” to “Unemployed” real quick.
13. I got hit by a car while trying to help a drunk lady cross the road (I was drunk too so she may have been helping me). On the very bright side, it was a Badass Mercedes Benz.
14. Ben Wackffleck played “Batman”
15. I misplaced my WAEC certificate and became truly hopeless.
16. My final project which I worked on for about four months exploded a week to Defence day and I could’ve sworn I heard the devil laugh as he watched my misery through his bowl of liquid world viewing substance.
17. I realized that I’m poor because I opened fucking Asos and couldn’t afford anything from the outlet (70% off) even after sorting price: Low to high
18. I ate an avocado and joined the countless monsters who practice this disdainful act.
19. I got duped by an art client.
20. Oh did I mention the twenty million bouts of depression?
21. I had sleep paralyis FIVE whole timesssss
22. I fell in Love.

All these horrible situations, yet here I am, not a single lesson learnt. On everyone’s behalf, Fuck 2016 and Happy fucking new year (to me, not you. Get yours from somewhere else).