Going Home

My grandma seems to be fading faster each day and it is really hard for me to deal with. Even when I sleepwalk, I do things that just break my heart when I am told of the things I do lately. (I never remember what I do during the night when I sleepwalk so my husband tells me all the weird and funny things I do in my sleep) One night I woke up and apparently grabbed my phone upside down and started crying saying I needed to call my grandma. I had to talk to her right then and then I got back in bed and fell asleep with no memory of having done this.

I went to see her the other day and she said she had something to tell me. She sat down and hugged me and said that she got the best Christmas present of all; she gets to go home to heaven and see everyone that she has been missing.

That sentence about broke my heart. I know that it is her time to go when she dies, but nothing seems to make the pain easier. I’ve spent many hours before on the phone with her talking about anything that comes to mind. But now, I can’t get the courage to pick up the phone and tell her all about my day and how bad it was. It sounds silly, i know. But its hard to tell her about how bad my day was when she’s having a worse day every day then I’ve probably ever had.

I’m trying to come to terms with this, but it seems I am still in denial and have yet to accept the fact that she really is going to be gone… forever.