1000 Caffeinated Monkeys
A humorous journal kept during the thick of the COVID-19 pandemic that was spurred by describing my 9 year son as having the energy of “1000 Caffeinated Monkeys”
COVID-19 isolation day 5: A consistent level of ease continues throughout Subject Family, almost as if they believe they are on an extended vacation, but with more vigorous hand washing. It is worth noting that Parental Pair did not watch the national news today. Dominant Male is suddenly nesting, cleaning out the stuff stashing zone they call an office. Dominant Female seemed to feel obligated to also nest, but minimum effort was applied to the drawers that store their defunct DVD collection. The caffeinated monkeys have returned in Monkey Subject, despite Subject Family’s cautious visit to the skate park and a rollicking game of basketball. Expecting little movement from others in the small community, Subject Family noted that absolutely nothing has changed in their community despite mandatory isolation.
COVID-19 Day 17 isolation: The overall tone surrounding Subject Family is one of austerity, and the previous obliviousness of greater community members is now cloaked in all-day pajamas and fuzzy slippers, hidden behind perimeter fences, doorbell cameras and computer screens. After the community’s government finally declared that its citizens should actually, yes, wear some kind of face covering outside of their homes, Dominant Female exhibited unexpected, next-level homemaking skills by making face masks for Subject Family. Though online videos assert these projects take less than 30 minutes, Dominant Female’s experience demonstrated that these projects actually take forever to finish. Dominant Female is excited to have an important use of the leftover fabric she has been saving, though she expected to make cutesty quilts or floor pillows, not a 21st Century, pandemic face mask for an unprecedented superbug. As Subject Family comes into the weekend, they will try to lighten up the tone around them by exhausting every board game they have, binge-watching “Tiger King,” and subjecting Monkey Subject to every Disney movie of Parental Pair’s childhoods. Dominant Female wisely loosened homeschooling requirements and largely allowed Monkey Subject to pick what he wanted to do. Dominant Female assumed he would pick more Hotwheel experiments, and eventually he did, but the first activity he chose was reading and sequencing (beginning, middle, end). Monkey Subject’s handwriting looks like it was done by a snake with a paintbrush, and is a constant battle with Dominant Female: “Don’t forget your spaces! Don’t rush! What letter is that?” In between an impressive set up of Hotwheel tracks and homeschool battles, Monkey Subject exhibited dozens of iterations of the flip and flop, but generally his electronics time was minimal.
COVID-19, day 21 isolation: Today was Homeschooling, or Distance Learning, Zero Hour for Subject Family. Though Dominant Female had briefed Monkey Subject on the location and manner of his schooling for the rest of the school year, he appeared shocked that he was being asked to complete any school work from home. No matter how gently, or firmly Dominant Female communicated to Monkey Subject, he remained firm in welling up with tears, a characteristic staccato cry, and even, to top off the drama, an emotional yawp combined with a body flop. Dominant Female persevered through 20 minutes of school work that actually took one hour, and endured a constant onslaught of resistance and theater from youngest subject. Dominant Male heard the commotion from his work station upstairs, and was also astonished, giving the preparatory briefings thoroughly administered to Monkey Subject. Today, Parental Subject will continue the course, and have enlisted Monkey Subject’s teacher to re-enforce this new reality. Also contributing to these difficult days is that Subject Family’s home location, Southern California, usually experiences perpetual moderate temperatures and sunshine, but now is having a cool, rainy period that prevents Monkey Subject from exhausting his monkey batteries.
