Letting Go of Aggrievement

Start by confronting, engaging, and processing

by Simon Holzapfel, Head of School, holzapfels@darrowschool.org

Virtually all of us have some cause for aggrievement — an unresolved feeling of having been wronged or mistreated because of a troubling event that’s gone unprocessed or a relationship we can’t seem to let go of. The feeling may be justified or unjustified, small or big, occasional or frequent.

We clearly live in a time when much of our political and social interactions seem to be driven by aggrievement; when it seems that everyone with an ax to grind is not satisfied with simply making a valid point in an argument or dispute, they also need to ensure that their opposition feels a sense of loss. In our personal lives, as well, we all know people who seem driven by their sense of aggrievement, as though indignation is fuel or nourishment. (A brief scroll through the comments of any social media post about an even remotely controversial subject will serve as ample confirmation of this hypothesis.)

Recall the most aggrieved coworkers you’ve ever had. How much fun were they to be around?

I’m increasingly convinced that, for many, the fixation on aggrievement is toxic, possibly to them and certainly to others. Recall the most aggrieved coworkers you’ve ever had. How much fun were they to be around? This isn’t to suggest that the foundations of a person’s aggrievement are necessarily wrong; rather, that the compulsion to perpetuate those grievances can be dangerous and damaging.

At the close of the calendar year, my mind wanders to improvement in the coming year and what I can do to enhance my life and the lives of others. Here’s my conclusion: if each of us could let go of the most minor aggrievement we carry around, or at least commit to initiating the process necessary to achieve that goal — confronting our own feelings honestly, engaging in open discussions with those involved, and processing the results of our efforts — we would be better off and so would those around us.

Imagine your life if everyone you worked with, socialized with, and lived with was a little less aggrieved. I think it’s worth the effort to try.

Simon Says… is a regular blog by Simon Holzapfel, Head of The Darrow School. Learn more about active curriculum and project-based learning at darrowschool.org.

Read Simon Holzapfel’s bio.