Sep 11, 2022
Recovering From My Largest Failure
The Process Of Redeeming My Self-Worth After My Biggest Mistake
The clock ticks constantly. Every minute, 60 seconds pass; every hour, 60 minutes pass; every day, 24 hours pass. This is the system we have aligned ourselves to; each and every day, we become accustomed to living amidst the everpresent cycle of life, bringing new experiences and burying old woes.
Experience is truly the pinnacle of human life; without it, we can not learn to live or love. In fact, without our experiences, we would have no true definition of who we are as individuals.
I am a relatively young individual by most standards despite the fact that by all accounts I have completed over 20% of my life and I haven’t had the most experiences but have faced what I consider to be woes. I am aware that others my age have gone through far more than I could even consider, and yet the suffering I feel feels to be comparable to that of none.
My experiences have led me to the path of entrusting my intelligence and have guided me toward a false reality in which I am reigning over the world. I forgot the internal enemy I had faced for so long, and that caused me to slip.
3 years ago, I was in a position of ambivalence. I had no defined feature and felt no true purpose. I wasn’t exceptional at anything by any means and I hadn’t been able to shift perspective to the feelings of others. I was down low in that period; whilst the other kids my age ran outside screaming joyfully, I sat there, contemplating the way I was going to regain my perception.
I took that opportunity and used it to build myself a reputation; I worked twice as hard as anyone else around me for the simple fact of becoming something; I didn’t have a goal and mind, and yet I pursued it relentlessly. I miss those times wherein my determination took over my resentment; I hadn’t considered the past at all and had moved forward without thinking.
Recently, I faced a detrimental conclusion; I came to terms with my ability and discovered that I am truly nothing special. I came to the realization that despite the perceptions I preached and the feats I have displayed, I am nothing short of being average.
I am nothing if it weren’t for that short time wherein I actually worked. I work now as well, but my complacency slows me down; in fact, every time I deprive myself, I recall a period in my life wherein I would never stoop so low. I feel ashamed of the reality I have been hiding from for so long.
I only remained ahead of the curve for as long as I worked hard; the moment I let my intellect work for me was the precise second in which I fell. On one hand, I could remain stagnant, blaming the world for my woes and wondering why others need not work as much as I do to accomplish the same feat.
It is a characteristic I have noticed, but it is not one that has impaired me from excelling by a standard; my work has allowed me to remain ahead in the eyes of others, while in my own perspective, I feel trapped.
In the pursuit of becoming knowledgeable, I have forsaken the determination I once had, and I suppose this is all part of a greater predestination wherein I am only able to have one positive. If I am given this singular entity of satisfaction and expected to cope with it, so be it.
My realization has driven me this far, and I need not halt the process now. My discernments have told me as such and this is the drive I have sought for so long; the very entity I have searched for internally has only come to save me after my largest mistake. All that is left to do is for me to return back to this state, using the very grace I was given to take over each and everything on this god-forsaken planet.
I wish you well, but in terms of my path, it is now clear-cut
Sincerely, Dhruv Hegde
