All* Of Your Predictive Analytics Questions Answered

*(Nine) Part VIII In The Series — FAQs About The Future

You can probably guess where I am going with this

What is predictive analytics?

Learned sources define predictive analytics as the use of data, statistical algorithms and machine learning techniques to identify the likelihood of future outcomes based on historical data. I define it as educated guessing with math and statistics, computer powered tarot, or Elon Musk astrology. Essentially it is the tech hype version of fortune telling or handicapping. Also the learned sources need to get their learning on because statistical algorithms, really? In contrast to what, normal algorithms that don’t use math or statistics? Sloppy, very sloppy.

Wait a second, didn’t you already prove that machine learning is a logical contradiction and therefore does not exist?

Yes, and thanks so much for remembering. I probably should mention it more often. Speaking of not existing, I saw the latest AI was not “born” last week, bringing the grand total up to zero from zero. At this rate there will be more AIs on earth then pink unicorns by next never or maybe even this never.

So how can something that doesn’t exist be part of the definition of something that does (presumably) exist?

Great question, next.

But I don’t want to move on yet

Too bad. I have no answer for you though notice that the definition does not exactly mention machine learning, instead it says machine learning techniques.

Oh I know, that’s a hedge right?

Exactly. Clearly you have been paying attention.

How could I not pay attention when a man of such vast knowledge and raw intelligence chooses to share his wisdom with the world?

Great point, you would be crazy not to. If I were you I would be recording me and/or taking notes.

The tech hype version of fortune telling, really?

That was a bit harsh I will admit and more than a bit disingenuous. Fortune tellers aren’t good at math and generally do not have access to loads and reams of data. They almost never use computers, let alone computers that are programmed to run crap tons of data through statistical algorithms (not my word over and over again in an iterative process until they eventually output a most probable outcome or range of outcomes with probabilities assigned to each for whatever query a user poses of the model (at its most basic level the model can be said to be the overall structure of the individual statistical algorithms and their relationship to each other and the data in question), assuming that query lies within the parameters proscribed by the statistical algorithms used to analyze it. Did I just define a machine learning technique? Gosh I am smart. What were we talking about? I remember something about fortune tellers then everything went dark.

What is predictive analytics good for and why is it so popular?

It is so popular exactly because of what it is supposedly good for.

Which is?

Making money hand over fist by predicting the future.

I see.

Yep, hand over fist. Plus blowjobs by the gross.

But isn’s predicting the future impossible, I mean the future is unknowable right?

Blowjobs from supermodels, as many as you want at the same time or as few, by the gross. What was the question again?

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