One voice breaks harasser’s stranglehold
Kristy Gillentine has made a name for herself on social media. The vice president of public engagement at Drive West Communications is also the founder and host of #ChatSnap — the first and only Twitter chat all about the Snapchat community.
Unfortunately, big names become big targets.
“For over two years, I’ve been sexually harassed by a man I met on social media,” Gillentine wrote in a blog. “He runs in the same social circles and has been incredibly supportive of my endeavors, but there has always — from the very beginning — been something off-putting to me about him, and it’s escalated and deescalated and escalated again over time.
“When I wrote this post, there were 12 women total [who reported similar experiences with him],” she continued. “That number has since grown to 36 making claims against him. And counting.”
Marketing entrepreneur Madalyn Sklar spoke with Gillentine about harassment and boundaries on social media.
“I start off trusting people I meet on social, but if they give me a reason not to, I’m out of there,” Sklar said. “On the positive, I’ve met so many amazing people through social. I also know there is a dark side and am glad we are having this conversation about it.”
Gillentine wanted to establish that she “was manipulated and harassed emotionally and sexually by a man I met on social media. I’m speaking through that lens.
“Harassment takes many forms on social media: bullying, impersonation, stalking, trolling, dog-piling,” she said. “None of it is acceptable.”
Trust and no trust
Gillentine credited social media with helping her overcome trust issues.
“Then this happened,” she said. “Since I’ve come to terms with this, the way I approach everyone on social media has shifted drastically. My trust is given very cautiously these days.”
Blocking or reporting a harasser should not take a second thought.
“Anytime you are made to feel uncomfortable. Anytime someone says something inappropriate to you. Listen to your gut,” Sklar said.
Your intuition is justification.
“If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, you don’t need any explanation other than ‘This makes me uncomfortable’ to tell them to stop and cut off contact,” Gillentine said. “You can block anyone at any time for any reason -even if you can’t quite put your finger on what it is.
“You decide for you at what point blocking or reporting is justified,” she said. “No one else does. I’ve always worried a little too much about others’ feelings or reactions. Empathy is an incredibly valuable thing but shouldn’t come at the cost of your own peace and safety.”
Gillentine has formed new online relationship rules.
“I learned the crucial importance of boundaries through my own bad experiences,” she said. “I’ve since defined very firm boundaries for myself and others on social media. It’s important to keep our relationships, conversations and even use of emojis in check.
“For example, it may seem silly but I’m less generous with hearts now — especially with men,” Gillentine said. “I only send kisses to family. With everything we say online — even down to the emoji or Bitmoji we use — context is so important. Implications can be too easily misunderstood.”
You’re in charge
Don’t rely on others to take the initiative.
“Your boundaries are up to you, and how you enforce them is up to you,” Gillentine said. “It’s up to each of us to protect ourselves, but we have to decide individually what that looks like for us.”
Her lesson was not lost on Sklar.
“After seeing what my good friend Kristy went through, I think about this more now,” Sklar said. “It’s easy for someone to misunderstand a GIF or an emoji. So, I try to use them carefully.”
Harassers who are friends or have mutual friends are not off the hook.
“What happens if your harasser is a friend?” Gillentine said. “They’re not. How do you handle it if your harasser has a lot of mutual friends? Tell someone. Stand up for you. No one gets a free pass to harass others because of who their friends are.
“My harasser and I had tons of mutual friends,” she said. “I kept quiet for over two years because I thought it was just me. I was afraid people wouldn’t believe me, that it was my own fault or that I was somehow misinterpreting his words and actions.”
Appearances were deceiving.
“It seems I wasn’t alone,” Gillentine said. “There were — at least — 35 additional women making accusations, and each of us thought we were alone. All it took to get the ball rolling and bring all of this to light — for all of us — was me telling one person.
“There was one person I told from the very beginning,” she said. “I love that person dearly, but he brushed it off. That may be my fault, though. Maybe I didn’t properly convey my concerns. Or maybe it’s because it was a male I told. No idea. Those are questions to consider.”
Not a first-timer
As it turned out, Gillentine’s harasser was not an amateur.
“I believe he’s a master manipulator — able to get everyone around us online and in real life to think we had that close of a relationship,” she said. “He manipulated me into feeling sympathy for him as I was being victimized.”
Sklar has been on guard for suspicious activity.
“I watch how people present themselves on social — how they interact with others,” she said. “It’s important to keep your eyes open.”
That presumes people are being honest about who they are — or are they putting on a “show?”
“Sadly, you don’t always know,” Gillentine said. “You can’t always know. No matter how innocent or kind or fun or friendly or selfless people may seem, all you see is what they want you to see — what they portray themselves to be. A persona — not the real them. Online and in real life.”
A social media #MeToo or #TimesUp movement might be on the horizon.
“There should be,” Gillentine said. “The social media community needs to demand zero tolerance for predatory behavior. It’s too easy for predators to hide behind their social media personalities, friendships and influence.
“My harasser was putting on a show, pretending to be something he wasn’t,” she said. “I was putting on a show, too, pretending everything was fine. But we need to work to bring this issue out of the dark. It’s time to tell harassers, stalkers and abusers to #StopTheShow.”
More conversation
Sklar endorsed the proposal.
“I agree with Kristy,” she said. “There should be a social media movement so we can keep the conversation going. It’s an important one.”
When faced with challenging situations, community support is important.
“My community has been incredibly encouraging, understanding and comforting since I came forward with my story,” Gillentine said. “It’s been a very emotional, difficult, traumatic journey — even with all of their support.
“Even if all my friends and followers had turned their backs on me when I clicked ‘Publish’ on my outcry post, I knew I had to do it,” she said. “My top goal was to prevent others from feeling the way he made me feel, and I believe I achieved that goal.”
If certain of what you must do, don’t wait on others.
“Having a community to support you through challenging situations is important, but being willing to risk it all to do what’s right is more important,” Gillentine said.
A great community is available to support for any reason.
“Community is everything,” Sklar said. “In times of need, they will support you. Eleven years ago, I was faced with a major health crisis, and my community was there for me. It was an incredible experience.
“Don’t be afraid to ask your community for support in your time of need,” she said.
Don’t stop now
The drive to end harassment continues.
“Please keep this important conversation going,” Gillentine said. “Talk about it on your chats, podcasts, livestreams and blogs. Encourage people to trust their guts, speak up, speak out — and support those who do.
“Predatory behavior shouldn’t be tolerated,” she said. “I don’t care how many followers you have or books you’ve published or keynotes you’ve given. None of that allows you to victimize anyone.”
Sklar spoke to Gillentine and others who were harassed.
“I am so outraged that this man did this to so many of you,” she said. “I’m glad you got the ball rolling so he could be called out and others would get the courage to come forward.”
The result is awareness and support.
“It makes this nightmare situation 100 percent worth it to be able to open people’s eyes.” Gillentine said.
She and Sklar continued more in depth during a Facebook Live conversation.
About The Author
Jim Katzaman is a manager at Largo Financial Services and worked in public affairs for the Air Force and federal government. You can connect with him on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

