Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl. Boy “pursues” girl. Boy… loses girl?
Some men lose women to valid reasons. I put these under the It-Just-Wasn’t-Right category. It could be lack of chemistry, lack of compatibility, mismatch of values, lack of alignment in long-term goals, or a combination of these. The parting can be amicable or more challenging, but either way it’s understood that it’s for the best. That’s not what this article is about.
25 Self Improvement ways for a successful Life | Data Driven Investor
"The more I live, the more I learn. The more I learn, the more I realize, the less I know." ― Michel Legrand Time to…
This article is about the early stages when a man is interested in a woman, gains her attention for a brief time, somehow loses her interest, and is wondering happened.
Before I shed light on what happened, we need to go over The 3 Commandments of High-Value Women. I’m assuming the woman with whom you are interested is of high-value. Confident men don’t date the opposite. These commandments undergird each of the strategies I’m going to share with you, and if you understand these three, you’ll have a terrific foundation for dating and love. These commandments are usually unspoken. Let me change that and make them entirely explicit:
- High-value women have options. If the woman you’re interested in is attractive, kind, driven, and passionate, many men are going to be interested in her. This is especially true if she embraces openness and speaks to people wherever she goes. She will always be noticed and pursued. An incredible woman will never have a lack of options.
- High-value women choose partners who invest in them. Chemistry is great. Compatibility is even better. But if you are not investing in a high-value woman, she will lose interest. If high-value women have options, it naturally follows that they will choose to be with a partner who invests in them. If you’re hot and cold, lazy, afraid of commitment/intimacy, or a poor communicator, you don’t stand a chance against other men. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.
- High-value women match a man’s level of investment. If you’re sending her boring 3 word text messages, she will respond in equal fashion. If you’re putting forth little effort, so will she. High-value women don’t over-invest: they use your level of investment as a barometer for how they respond. I know this is a *very* unpopular thing to say in 2020, but I’m going to come out and say it anyways: in heterosexual relationships, men lead and women set the pace as a response. If you’re with a high-value woman and things just “fizzle out,” chances are the lack of investment you led with is the source.
Now that you know the 3 Commandments of High-Value Women, let’s gets more concrete and talk about the strategies that will help you stand out with the woman you are interested in and make other guys look like amateurs.
1. Leave voicemails.
A man who stands out is one who commits to excellence in all things, even the little things. Voicemails are seriously the sexiest thing. Like a picture, they capture a moment in time. Your energy, your interest, your wit, your playfulness. Leave incredible voicemails. She’ll save them and listen to them over and over again. I know I do. Okay, not all of them, just the *really* good ones. If you’re just texting and not calling at all, or if you call and don’t leave a voicemail, it communicates that you are lazy. And lazy people are forgettable. You will be lost in the sea of mediocrity and you won’t even be a blip on her radar.
In addition to being literal, this strategy is also metaphorical. Go the extra mile. Do the thing to take her breath away. Think about the little ways you can stand out and choose ways that work for you. Okay, MaryBeth I don’t currently do this for every person I date, but I will put in all the effort when I meet the right person. To which I respond, how do you know someone is the right person in the beginning? You don’t. So treat everyone you date like they could be. And act accordingly. If she ends up being your person, think about the story you want tell about her 10 years from now. What sort of man do you want to be in that story? Because you are creating the story with your actions right now. Act in such a way where you would be proud of that man. Commit to excellence in all things, especially in the beginning of a relationship.
2. Embrace certitude
I’m always shocked when a guy asks me out and when I ask him what the plan is he doesn’t have one. A guy who just *wings it* will not impress her. It doesn’t communicate that you’re spontaneous like you think. Instead, it communicates that you don’t care enough to put together a proper plan. Lack of thoughtfulness is a massive turn off. Show up with confidence in her life. It means putting together well-thought out dates. It means saying things like ‘I have the best sushi place in mind. Pick you up at 7’ instead of ‘idk, what do you want to do?’ It means scheduling the weekend getaway. It means picking up tickets to the concert you know she’ll love. It means showing up like you want to be in her life and not waiting for permission to do so. A high-value woman has to make countless decisions throughout her day. When it comes to dating, she wants to be able to relax and not have to plan her own dates. At least most of the time ;) It’s really refreshing when a man takes control and shows up with certitude. Women appreciate this more than you realize.
3. Be responsive to her needs.
Men who stand out are ones who are responsive to a woman’s needs — both the explicit and the implicit ones. This requires that you get out of your head and intently focus on her. Notice all the small things about her and then act accordingly. Here are a few simple suggestions that will get you thinking on the right track:
- If she mentions she is going to be completing a laborious task — like taking down the Christmas tree or hanging some pictures — offer to help her.
- If you notice she is missing something in her apartment that she could really use, get it for her! Provided it’s not super expensive. That would be awkward.
- If she had a trying day at work, give her long back massage or foot rub.
A great question to ask yourself in this space: What can I do to serve her today or this week? Here’s why this is amazing. You are leading the relationship with a culture of service. And remember Commandment #3? A high-value woman will match your level of investment. She’ll receive and reciprocate your culture of service. The more you respond to her needs and vise versa, the more attracted to each other you’ll become.
4. Communicate interest with consistency.
Congruence has to be one of the sexiest attributes a man can possess. There’s nothing that says ‘I’m interested’ more than regular, consistent communication. My personal sweet spot is: a few meaningful texts every day, a phone call every day/every other day, and a date once or twice a week.
Regular communication is foreplay. It’s what gets me *so excited* to see the man I’m dating. Where some guys go wrong is they erect a communication desert in between dates, which subsequently kills her attraction for you. I can’t go from 0 to 1000. From desert to lush garden. If you want to impress a woman, make sure to tend to the garden in-between dates, throughout the week, with exciting texts and a few phone calls. This conveys that you really like her and are thinking of her. It also gives her that sweaty palms, flushed cheeks, can’t-wait-to-be-with-him sort of feeling.
Some guys think that regular communication makes them look needy or desperate. On the contrary. It makes you look confident and secure in your interest. If she knows you’re interested and senses that you’re holding back, that makes you look insecure. This type of insecurity will make her run. Own your feelings and communicate consistently.
5. Receive feedback gracefully.
The best relationships make you feel good but also make you grow. The best women feel at home in both spaces — giving you all the sweet loving, but also calling you out when you miss the mark. If she points out that you didn’t call when you said you would, or that [insert ugly behavior here] and your response is to make excuses or blame shift, you will lose high-value women fast. Mature men know this implicitly — they choose strong women precisely because such women will bring out the best in them. The challenge is to be the type of man who receives feedback gracefully so the woman of your dreams stays in your life. Throughout the next week, take stock of moments when people call you out on something. Is your response to make an excuse or to take ownership and apologize? If it’s the former, you are probably turning off high-value women in droves. A phrase to practice: You know what, you’re right. I didn’t do xyz like I said I would. You deserve someone who _______. I commit to doing xyz in the future.
6. Make discovering her your goal.
A high-value woman is looking for a man who genuinely wants to know her and is tenacious about her flourishing. View her like an unchartered land that you are tasked with exploring. When you land on the island what do you do? Make observations, take stock of inventory, ask the natives questions, get to know the land inside and out so you can chart it faithfully.
A woman can tell when a man is interested in all of her: her mind, her heart, her emotions, and yes, her body. It manifests as the following: asking questions about her instead of talking about yourself; letting her finish a story without interrupting; asking follow-up questions instead of “relating” it to something you did; your face lighting up as she is speaking; and most importantly — encouraging her hopes, dreams, and ambitions. Don’t misunderstand, this doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. That’s a huge turn-off. It *does* mean acknowledging it isn’t always about you and giving her space to shine. It means understanding that your partnership will be stronger with a woman whose flourishing is celebrated and encouraged. So that when it’s time to focus on you and your needs, she’s coming from a place of abundance not thirst.
The reason why these strategies work is because they show a woman that you’re in-it-for-the-long-haul material and that you have the emotional intelligence to maintain that space. Someone who pursues her with intentionality and skill. A willing and qualified teammate. She’ll feel desired, seen, and secure. And there’s nothing that will make her say ‘no thanks’ to the other guys quicker and with more certainty than that combination.
An important asterisk to this whole article. If you don’t have a life you love, these strategies will not work. High-value women are looking for men whose lives are overflowing with abundance — a career he’s passionate about, friends and family he adores, hobbies/pursuits that bring him joy, and standards he abides by. If you have nothing going on in your personal life, no amount of strategies will be able to help you.
And it goes without saying that these strategies must be reciprocated. If a woman doesn’t reciprocate, she is simply a taker and not a high-value woman. Although, I think you knew that already. If you want a chance with her, lead with these strategies and she will follow suit. And if she doesn’t? Well then you have your answer — she’s not the woman for you. And you can move on joyfully knowing you’re one step closer to finding the woman who is. Either way you win. 😉