Why Excel Sheet Relationships Work Better
I have been head-over-heels in love. On a few occasions, I’ve shared such love with exactly the right person. Other times, I’ve shared such love with exactly the wrong person. But love, as amazing as it can feel and as desperately as it can hurt, is not enough.
The feeling of “love” is largely a chemical reaction in the brain, and most forms of love are notoriously unpredictable and unstable. Compatibility, on the other hand, is much easier to assess. While the chemical cocktail of love can add temporary fuel to keep a relationship going, if your relationship lacks the engine and chassis of compatibility, it won’t be able to get you where you want to go. And if you’re not careful, the love you pour into it could potentially just increase the danger of spontaneous combustion.
I find that the strongest relationships arise when both partners honestly divulge their preferences and work together to create a relationship structure that enables both of them to fully support one another in their quests to live the best lives they can.
The best method I’ve come across for starting this process is to make a 5-minute relationship chart:
This chart is super helpful for getting to know yourself. It reveals your needs, wants, expectations, shortcomings, and it even predicts what life events might cause all of these to change. This chart is also great for relationships! When you’re contemplating starting a formal relationship with someone, comparing your mutual charts can help you quickly get on the same page and identify any possible areas of incompatibility or conflict before they arise down the road. Successful relationships don’t have to eliminate conflict & incompatibility altogether, but they do need to create procedures for addressing all the inevitable conflicts that will arise over the course of the relationship.
This exercise can reveal important relationship considerations like, “I have a high need for emotional validation, but a very low capacity for giving it,” or “I have a strong preference for physical touch and I wouldn’t feel satisfied if my partner were not equally interested in physical touch.” Creating this chart will equip you with a ton of self-knowledge and empower you to be cognizant of your future partners’ considerations as well. Relationships are never one-sided, so it’s extremely useful to learn about your partners’ relationship goals, intentions, and motivations so you both can have all the necessary information at your disposal when constructing your future together.
Related Reading
- The Friendship-First Approach to Dating and Relationships
- How To Say “No” Without Lies, Flaking, or Fadeaways
- How to Have the “Are We Exclusive” Talk
- My personal dating consulting website
About the Author…
I’m Steve Dean, an NYC-based online dating consultant.
I offer customized consultations to individuals who need help with dating & relationships, as well as dating sites who need help with product strategy and growth.
I like to write and podcast about dating, relationships, and how to get connected to awesome jobs, roommates, and events. If you’d like to keep tabs on what I’m working on, you can follow my Patreon page, or connect with me anywhere: