Dating. The rosy glow of anticipation. The slow burn of desire. The itch of passion. The flaking away of defenses. The lathering up in aloe.

I’m going to take a break from all the cogent dating advice I dispense in this column and offer some post-Memorial Day weekend advice: Never search Google Images for “sunburn.” Ever. Regardless of the circumstances.

Did you know that Kim Kardashian features prominently in the Google Images results for “sunburn”?

Those two points are unrelated; I’m not trying to shame Kim Kardashian with cheap shots couched in sunburn talk. I have no opinions worth expressing about Kim Kardashian the person. I honestly just want to type Kim Kardashian a bunch of times and revel in the page views. Kim Kardashian.

Here’s the point: Kim Kardashian gets page views almost as easily as the author gets sunburned. She appears seven times in the first set of image results for “sunburn.” None of the pictures are that remarkable, with the possible exception of this one, though her costar in it is what interests me the most.

Here’s a question: Does Kim Kardashian appear so often after this search because she gets sunburned frequently, or because she is Kim Kardashian? Sorry, that’s a horrible question with a rather obvious answer. I’ll put it another way: When something happens to Kim Kardashian, does she become the most famous person to have had that experience?

Some evidence in support of the possibility:

  • Kim Kardashian is the autocomplete for the following searches: pregnant, the letter k
  • I don’t have any more evidence

Isn’t that enough, though? When you type “pregnant,” the first thing Google assumes you are interested in is Kim Kardashian.

Think about this: For every person on the earth, at least one other person got pregnant. Or this: In the history of all mankind, there are more pregnancies than people. With all that to pull from, Kim Kardashian is still number one in the world for pregnancy. Not impressed? Well, how about this: You know who else is pregnant right now but didn’t even get a mention in the autocomplete? Beyoncé.

Case closed.

I will now refer you to the standard pregnant-and-naked-on-a-magazine-cover pose — support the belly, cover the boobs.

What does this have to do with anything? It proves that I probably got heatstroke yesterday and that I know how to make a sloppy collage in Photoshop.

So, Kim Kardashian’s is the most famous pregnancy the Internet can come up with, and she has the most famous sunburn the Internet can come up with, and the most famous sex tape the…wait, this can’t be right.

Apparently, the most-famous-sex-tape honor goes to “Selena and Justin Bieber,” which is pretty amazing, considering a tape doesn’t even exist (at least in published or available formats, at the moment; but don’t worry, I set up a Google Alert for the subject and I’ll let you know when the situation changes).

I’m a bit surprised Kim Kardashian isn’t anywhere to be found in the “sex tape” autocomplete. I blame the crew more than the talent on that one — lax direction, bland set design, inconsistent palette, fractured narrative, and incompetence all the way down to the key grip and best boy.

There are certain search queries whose autocompletes reveal a lot about a culture’s sexuality. Here are a few.

Hm. Moving right along.

Here’s an observation on which I would rather not dwell: I’ve used more colons in this Kim Kardashian piece than I’ve used in anything else I’ve written.

Kim Kardashian may not be the undisputed champion of Google searches, but I bet if I Googled the most Googled woman last year, Google will come up with…

…what?! Damn it, Lana, it’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you. Well, Lana had a big year, but Kim should still be up there.

Twenty? Who are you kids googling? I feel so out of the pop-culture loop. There can’t be nineteen women more famous (Internet search-wise) than Kim Kardashian. She and Kanye started dating last year! Who possibly could have dethroned her?

It all makes sense now. God save the new Queen of the Internet. Now let’s get some page views: Honey Boo Boo. Honey Boo Boo. Honey Boo Boo.