How To Find Men Like Me
I was at a party last weekend. Yes, people invite me to parties. Some of them don’t even involve Dungeons and Dragons.
Anyway, I was being a social creature and I overheard some young ladies remarking that they were having trouble finding men. Specifically, they were having trouble finding venues in which they could find young, datable men. Apparently, these young women weren’t so keen on finding eligible bachelors at bars.
I listened to their complaints from afar. They were, after all, eligible bachelorettes, which means there was no way in hell I was going to actually approach them. I analyzed their complaints and developed the following hypothesis: It’s not my fault I am horrible at dating; I am fantastic at it. The problem is that women don’t know how to find me. They are clearly wookin’ pa nub in all da wong paces.
I figure I should be using this column to give the ladies some advice. So, that’s what I’m going to do. After all, it’s hard out there for them!
Doing some deep-diving internet research I compiled the following bits of advice on how to find eligible men like myself, which I will now share:
- Go to yoga
This, of course, makes sense because there is no better place to find a definitely-not-pervy young man than in a venue in which women are wearing yoga pants.
- Go to the Apple Store
Because there is definitely a correlation between those who are tech-obsessed and those who know how to treat other humans well.
- Go to a bar
Because one should always turn to Business Insider for dating advice tailored to women.
- Go to New York
Look how many eligible men are in New York!
Wait, I’m in New York. This is perfect! There are more single men than women in this city! You should have no trouble finding one … specifically me.
Let’s focus on what’s important. How do you find me? Okay, let’s assume I am a hunk (I am). A simple Google search for “hunks in NYC” should lead you right to me.
The first search result is … Times Square Hunks. I’ve been in Times Square before! This is promising.
Perfect. These guys look exactly like me. Well, maybe they are slightly better-dressed, but that’s the only difference.
Figure out their preferences, and you should be able to extrapolate mine. We might as well start by clicking on Valentino there in the middle. He … wait, he’s making money on this whole dating thing?!
Do you mean to say that, as a male in New York, I’m in such high demand I could be charging? Why haven’t I been doing this? Check out how much these ladies are willing to shell out to date us hunks! I’d be crazy not to get in on this action. And ladies seem to love it!
Personable and with a great personality? Those two things are right in my wheelhouse. Let me just check out some job opportunities here …
Why do they need my height and weight? That seems a little invasive. I’ll just fill in “tall” and “big” because it never hurts to round up.
You know, I wonder if there are other opportunities for big, tall men like me. I’ll just search “big tall hunks in nyc.” Perfect. It’s like looking at a page full of mirrors!
Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find a way to get in touch with them. I’d like to ask these guys some questions about how to break into the for-profit business of being big, hunky NYC dudes who date ladies. Please recall, ladies, that I am undertaking this research for your benefit.
I need to find one of these guys to talk to. Let’s just Google “i want to meet a hunk.”
Alright, second result — 1man.in seems to be able to help. Wowee, look at all these men!
If I can’t find good dating advice here, I don’t know where I can. (Hm, I wonder what a d—— pick is; I’d better ask about that too.) Okay, I’m looking for a man, about my age. Also, I definitely want a photo, just to make sure I can trust the guy.
Damn, all these guys seem to be from India. But they do seem hunky enough to give me relevant advice. I’ll just try to message one. Shit. I need an account. Okay, give me a minute to sign in … great! All set up.
Anyway, I should probably get going now. I’m sure I’ve bored you all for long enough. I’m going to message like 30-100 of these kind, handsome, Indian lads and ask them what one has to do to find them. I will report back to you, my loyal female readers as soon as possble. I have a feeling all my dating problems will soon be at an end!
You’re welcome, ladies.
