Beyond Clichés: The Real Key to a Great Relationship
Most people think communication is the key to a great relationship. This is an overused cliché which has some truth but misses the point. There are many great communicators that have terrible relationships.
This is because the key is not simply communication, but what a couple are communicating about.
A great relationship requires that both parties are able to communicate with vulnerability, are able to listen empathically, and accept the other person for who they are — including their flaws and insecurities.
It’s not about always having the perfect things to say, or never getting into arguments — it’s about understanding and valuing each other’s perspectives and experiences.
At this point, it’s important to acknowledge that not everyone is a master of vulnerability and empathy. In fact, most people struggle with expressing their vulnerabilities, and that’s okay.
To be clear — we wouldn’t advise a blanket policy of vulnerability with everyone you meet. It’s simply not safe to express our deepest secrets with all comers, as some may throw our vulnerabilities back in our faces, while others simply won’t care.
However, in the context of a deeply connected relationship, vulnerability is a key ingredient. This is why a crucial part of the dating process is to test the waters with a potential partner, to start with small vulnerabilities and see how they respond before fully investing and going ‘all-in.’
It’s also important to acknowledge that vulnerability is not just about expressing our hurts and weaknesses — it’s also about sharing our dreams and pleasures.
Once in a developing or committed relationship, one of the biggest hurdles to expressing vulnerability is the fear of rejection. It’s so easy to shut down and avoid sharing our true feelings when we’re pretty sure we’ll be judged or ignored. But truly, if you’re only sharing the surface-level parts of yourself, you’re not showing yourself for who you actually are.
Another problem is that many people perceive being vulnerable as being weak. But expressing our vulnerability takes immense strength and courage. It’s not easy to confront our deepest truths, but encountering ourselves and sharing what we find with others is necessary for a strong relationship. Plus, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who’s only showing you the shiny and polished version of themselves?
So, how do we work on sharing vulnerably and listening empathically?
It starts with self-awareness and self-acceptance. By taking some time to reflect on your own fears, insecurities, desires and dreams. Once you understand what really matters to you, you can start to talk about them. Don’t be afraid to seek out help from a therapist or coach if you think that could help.
When it comes to sharing your own feelings and experiences, try using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This helps to truly take ownership of what you’re talking about, and can also help avoid blame and defensiveness when you’re talking about something that may include the other person. For example, “I feel…” is a much better opening than “You always…”, and allows for a more open and honest conversation.
Practising active listening is also key. Instead of simply waiting for your turn to speak, when someone is opening up to you, try to understand where the other person is coming from. You can show you’ve really been listening by rephrasing parts of what they said back to them, and by being curious and asking questions, encouraging them to go deeper.
So next time you find yourself wondering how to build a deeper connection with a partner or potential partner, remember that simply communicating is not enough. You need to communicate about who you honestly are, and what you’re truly feeling — even when it’s uncomfortable.
You’ll also need to hold space for your partner when they are opening up, and recognising the power of the moment. Although it feels edgy, sharing our truth is what actually brings people closer together. Instead of guessing what’s going on in someone’s head — they will have told you.
Originally published at https://datingforlove.com on September 5, 2022.
