The Most Effective Flirting Do’s & Don’ts Explained
You’d like to be able to flirt well without having to go through the agonizing “learning curve” of try-and-fail errors and mishaps.
You’d like to be able to attract men effortlessly, without having to put yourself through that difficult phase of adaptation and self-discovery.
And you would LOVE to know the rules and regulations of quality flirting — what to say, what to do, how to act — without having to physically experience being tongue-tied and nervous first-hand!
Without a role model or a ‘big-sister’ type to look up to and emulate, knowing exactly how to act when you’re flirting with a new prospect can be pretty nerve-wracking.
When are you supposed to ramp it up?
When are you supposed to tone it down?
When should be you be the aggressor, and when should you smile mysteriously and look away?
And how are you supposed to KNOW all this, without having to go through several YEARS’ worth of social bumps and bruises??
Well — that’s where I come in. In today’s newsletter, I’m going to tell you how to figure out the best way to flirt for YOU.
We all have our own style of talking and interacting with others. Flirting is no different. It makes no sense to follow a “one size fits all” flirting style — the results won’t be very good, and you’ll feel awkward and contrived at the same time.
What you need to do is take a look at your own social and interactive values, and learn to apply them to a variety of social situations so that you’re ALWAYS equipped to turn the situation to your advantage.
And I’m going to tell you exactly how to do that:
** CLIENT LETTER **
Dear Paul,
I don’t know how to flirt. All my friends tell me I need to practice, but I don’t WANT to practice because I know I’ll just humiliate myself.
I seriously have no idea of how to act with men in social situations. I’ve just come out of a 14 year marriage (we married when I was eighteen and dated since I was fourteen so I’ve had very little experience of dating) and I am now trying to get back into the dating scene without a CLUE of what I’m doing.
This is hard enough without having to feel terrified of putting a foot wrong. I don’t want to humiliate myself in front of people, but I’m sick of being a wallflower too.
Maybe you could include some information on how to flirt well in your next newsletter? What kind of stuff should you do and shouldn’t you do?
Everything else you’ve done has been so helpful, all my friends and I read your emails and between us we’ve got everything from the Expert Dating, Love and Relationships Advice for Women website. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say about this, I could really do with some help.
Thank you so much,
Melissa
** MY RESPONSE **
OK. More information on flirting it is.
There are two, basic, recognized styles of flirting for women:
1. Aggressive, go-getter flirting: you approach, you initiate, you do all the work, you “seduce” him. This technique is not for the faint-hearted.
2. Conventional, “feminine”, passive flirting: you wait for him to approach. This is fairly easy to do, but unless you’re very good looking, you won’t always get results straight away.
The technique that I most recommend is a blend between the two of them.
This will enable you to make the smartest choice in your dating and social situations, and help you to get a handle on which flirting style you tend to feel most comfortable with.
First, let’s take a more in-depth look at the approaches that I do NOT recommend.
1. The aggressive flirt
Granted, there are occasionally good reasons to use this assertive, dominant style of flirting.
For example, did you know that two-thirds of all flirting interaction in singles bars and parties is initiated by WOMEN?
Sexually assertive women are out there. They’re the ones that choose the men that THEY like, and zero in on them using a potent cocktail of their most devastatingly effective flirting techniques.
What this means is that all the good men actually DO get taken. They get taken by these “aggressive flirts” — the women who aren’t content to sit around waiting for someone else to choose them!
2. The passive flirt
The temptation of this style of flirting is all too easy to see: you don’t have to do anything! All you have to do is look your prettiest, and wait to be approached.
When (or if) you ARE approached, your job is simply to make things as easy as possible for whoever it is that wants to talk to you.
This means that you let him take control of the conversation, you laugh at his jokes, you reinforce his sense of masculinity by following his lead, and you do NOT attempt to exert dominance yourself.
This is very easy to do — but there is one glaring problem with this technique ..
.. all the good men get snapped up by the aggressive flirts, meaning that there’s only the “undesirables” left to do any approaching of their own!
So what’s a girl to do?
If you’re too passive, you risk losing the man that you want. If you’re too aggressive, you risk scaring off the men who don’t wholeheartedly welcome such strong-minded come-ons.
When to strike? And HOW to strike?
If this problem sounds familiar to you, you need to get clued-in with the THIRD flirting
alternative for the savvy woman.
It’s called Invitation Flirting, and it’s a happy blend of AGGRESSIVE and PASSIVE.
You’re going to be actively attracting the men you’re after to you. So you don’t have to worry about all those aggressive flirts out there who are making moves on your target.
But at the same time, you’re not going to be doing anything that’s aggressive yourself ..
.. you’re going to be ASSERTIVE, not AGGRESSIVE!
The result? A user-friendly combination of smooth moves and feminine flirtatiousness that’s guaranteed to attract all kinds of men: the ones who like to be chased, the ones who prefer to do the chasing themselves, and the ones who simply appreciate an intelligent and independent woman.
I call it the Invitation Flirtation. It’s not hard to get your head around. And it’s very, VERY effective.
The essence of the Invitation Flirtation can be summed up in a short, simple list of Do’s and Don’ts:
DO:
1. Be indisputably feminine.
2. Send a clear message of invitation with your body language. This is not about being PASSIVE and just waiting for him to approach.
It’s about being clever and baiting the trap, as it were, by making things as easy and inviting as possible for him.
3. Laugh a lot. This is a no-brainer when you actually think about it, but it requires a certain amount of personal strength to laugh and APPEAR to be having fun — even if you’re not! Women who look like they’re having a good time are ATTRACTIVE, and men want to talk to them.
So even if you’re stuck in a less-than-appealing conversation, just use it as an opportunity to hone your Invitational Flirting skills: get interested in the other person’s topic, smile, talk animatedly, and LAUGH.
4. When someone you’re interested in comes over to talk to you, use the power of TOUCH. This is indescribably feminine, and is an extremely potent way of enchanting men. A light, gentle touch on the forearm or shoulder is a very sexy, unassuming way of flirting with someone — and men LOVE it.
5. Play “peek-a-boo”. This is really fun! You make eye contact, hold it for a second.. and look away. A minute or two later, your eyes shyly seek out his again. Is he looking? Smile, blush a little, and look down. Then repeat.
This is tantalizing, sexy, and VERY feminine. And it’s low-risk, too — lots of potential for fun and games, and a very low possibility of embarrassment!
DON’T:
1. Don’t be too aggressive. You’re aiming to strike a subtle, sexy balance between AGGRESSIVE and PASSIVE flirting.
Marching straight over, introducing yourself, and saying, “You’re hot. I like you. Let’s get to know each other” is waaaaay too aggressive for most men.
You’ll come across as very socially dominant — and most people aren’t really into that.
Remember, you still want HIM to approach YOU. You’re just making it as easy as possible for him to do so, without actually taking the aggressive lead yourself.
2. Don’t corner him. If you do get engaged in a conversation, your best bet is to leave while the conversation is at its best. If you let things drag on too long, he’ll eventually have his fill of you and want to move on. ALERT!! You do NOT want this to happen!
You want to leave him wanting MORE of you. Is the conversation going great? That’s perfect. Leave now, while he’s really into you, and you can be sure he’ll seek you out again later on — with the hopes of getting your phone number.
3. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Many women make this mistake in flirting situations. They’re so overcome with nerves that they feel as though they’re role playing. Instead of being their honest, charming selves, they feel like they have to act “like a flirt”.
Instead of allowing their shyness and vulnerability to enchant the opposite sex (and it’s true, men LOVE vulnerability in a woman), they become brash, brazen, and take-no-captives in their approach to dating.
This is a major turn-off for a lot of men, and usually results in a lot of failed flirting attempts.
There’s a lesson to be learned here: be true to yourself.
If you’re feeling shy, that’s OK. You can own up to it!
You can even say “Um, I’m a little shy” without losing any face.. an honest admission of nerves is very disarming, and most men will react by going out of their way to “take care of you” and make sure you’re comfortable.
Those are the basics of Invitation Flirting. If you’d like a comprehensive explanation of EXACTLY what to do, what to say, and how to act in order to entrance the opposite sex, then I highly recommend that you check out this FREE mini-course now:
