How to Date an Extroverted Introvert
I’d gone decades saying I was an introvert. And here I was, post-divorce, starting to date, and struggling to understand how introverts date in an online world. “Is this going to make it easier for us? Do I have to find another introvert? Do I put it on my profile?”
That was nothing compared to the day a personal coach told me I was an “extroverted introvert.” A what? What do I do with that?! Am I now even more undatable?!
What Is an Extroverted Introvert?
An “extroverted introvert” is an introvert in the sense they recharge through alone time, quietude, and contemplation. They also have these moments where they exhibit extroverted behavior and will burn down their “social battery” real quick in social settings.
We tend to drift between wanting to be alone and outgoing. Many may spend more time as an introvert—since that is where we are most comfortable—and when our social battery is nice and charged, we can be the life of the party.
What Happens When the Social Battery Runs Out?
One thing to note is that I feel we tend to run our social batteries down very quickly, and often too far. When an extroverted introvert’s social battery hits zero, it can be hard to find our way home, so to speak. We are out of our comfort zone, often surrounded by stimuli, and low on energy. At times, it feels like I am being attacked, and a bit unsafe. Depending on the situation, that can put me into fight or flight mode.
I found that I need to pay attention to my battery and ‘save enough juice for the ride home.’ Meaning, I need to be able to back myself out of the social situation on a high note, and get myself back to a quiet place to recharge.
So, How Do You Date an Extroverted Introvert?
Extroverted introverts are not broken by any means. As going on dates often means one or more people are going to be involved in our day, we just tend to be the ones taking the brunt of the ‘energy tax’, as I like to call it. Knowing that a date is literally draining our social battery, you can plan accordingly to ensure you both have fun.
Understand how they recharge
You can, and should, ask them straight up, “what do you like to do to recharge?” They will know, and often gladly tell you (mainly because no one ever asks.) Mine is going for walks while listening to music, creative endeavors, meditating, and other solitary activities.
This is going to help you immensely in that you know they are not avoiding you in these situations, but recharging their battery so they can be fully present with you.
This can also be a great way to work in some moments where they can recharge on the date.
Mix it up
Dates should be designed to be a mix of social and at-home. Always going out and being social can wear on us, so mix it up with some quiet dates at home. If you are planning an all-day date, like a music festival or weekend trip, check in with them and ask how they can recharge during these long outings.
Timing matters
When planning a date, consider timing. If they work in an office or retail space—or have parenting duties—ask how much time they need to switch gears, and time your date start times accordingly. Going from so much interaction in an office / retail space and then onto a date means you will get less of them. If you know they have a big event earlier that day, ask how much time they would prefer in-between.
Check in
Be present and pay attention to your date for signs their battery may be getting low. The more time you spend with them, the easier it will be to notice, as there tend to be patterns. You can even ask them if they know the signs. For me, I get fidgety, a bit curt, and anxious. When the battery hits zero, I feel start to feel unsafe (even claustrophobic at times), and can lose my bearings a bit as fight or flight starts to kick in.
Asking your date “how are you feeling?” is a great way to check in.
Things That Drain an Introvert’s Social Battery
When planning a date, consider the following things that tend to drain our social battery really quickly. They are not to be avoided, but know that we might not last long in them.
- Large social gatherings: Crowded parties, events, or gatherings with many people. Concerts, popular bars and even large family events can really take it out of us.
- Frequent interruptions: Let them talk. Also, switching context and jumping from topic to topic can be draining.
- Overstimulating environments: Environments with bright lights, loud noises, and a lot of sensory input can be overwhelming.
- Small talk: Okay, small talk on dates is the worst, regardless of who it is. But for us, it’s especially draining.
- Unstructured socializing: Spending extended periods in social settings without breaks or without the option to step away for some quiet time can lead to exhaustion.
- Long social engagements: Events that last for hours—especially those that involve continuous socializing—are some of the worst for us.
Living Apart Together (LAT) and Introverts
Here is where things get real interesting for me as an extroverted introvert. I was married for 20 years, and pretty well hitched to the idea that you live with someone you are romantic with. And I recently discovered “living apart together” from dating my now girlfriend. It blew my world apart, as I was like “WTF? Why would I do that?”
“Living Apart Together” (LAT) is a term used to describe a type of intimate relationship in which a couple is committed to each other but maintains separate residences. In other words, individuals involved in a LAT relationship are romantically involved or even married, but they choose to live in separate homes rather than cohabiting in a single shared residence.
As I looked into it, the extroverted introvert in me was like “yes, please!” And it all made so much sense to me. While I do miss the person I am dating, and often wish she could be with me, I also really enjoy being able to fully recharge. Like right now, as I type this, the creative endeavor of it is recharging me. And I know me—having someone around does not let me fully recharge the way I need to in order to fully show up and be present for them.
A slight tangent, but…
People who embody both states of being an extrovert and introvert are also called ambiverts. But, I find that confusing, and doesn’t help define their “charge state” for their “social battery.” I feel this is important because by using the more verbose label it defines which trait ‘charges’ them up:
- Extroverted introverts tend to need alone time to charge back up.
- Introverted extroverts tend to need people around them to charge back up.
In Summary
Dating an extroverted introvert as someone that is extroverted or even an introverted extrovert can seem like a challenge at first. But with some empathy for how they recharge, creative date ideas, and good communication, you can have a really healthy relationship. In fact, I feel a well-charged extroverted introvert is a really fun, dynamic person to date. And when they see that you care enough to be curious about how they operate, they will likely really appreciate that about you and that will have you standing out from the rest.
