Preview 2: Hipsters and Disappointments
Part of the Fan’s Guide to World Cup 2014
Hipsters’ Choice
Chile
Why are these guys so popular in Brooklyn?
Football hipsters love nothing more than top-quality players that no-one has heard of, and Chile is full of them. Even the better-known players like Vidal and Sanchez play second fiddle to bigger names at their clubs. Factor in that they play something similar to Tiki-taka (the only thing a football hipster loves more is Jurgen Klopp) and their complete inability to defend and you have a hipster’s dream.
What’s to stop them winning the whole thing?
You can’t defend their defence. It’s indefensible. If they lose the ball they’re in trouble.
Reasons to side with the hipsters?
Ivan Zamorano. It’s 16 years since he sung the anthem so hard that he made himself cry, but when the original (fat) Ronaldo’s Brazil put Chile out of France 98, you couldn’t help but feel for a man forced out of the Inter side by the buck-toothed wonderboy. And with a last-16 match up against the Seleção seeming likely, maybe this year’s generation can bring Bam-bam some solace.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
How can you not like Chile? What’s wrong with you? There’s nothing bad about Chile. Yeah there was the Pinochet thing, but that was ages ago. Okay, the men trapped in a mine got a bit boring after the fourteenth miner came out, but in general that was a refreshingly positive news story, cut them a break. Come on Chile!
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Arturo Vidal. Not so much for his skill but for his industry and determination, not to mention his ability to foul himself.
A danger to himself.
http://giphy.com/gifs/10GXfXr8ldUZFK
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Gary Medel, never has one man had so much hatred for plastic chairs.
Upset at Sevilla’s sideline facilities.
http://giphy.com/gifs/8TpbGYWNBGI80
Belgium
Why are these guys so popular in Brooklyn?
Belgium are the Flaming Lips of the football world: A collective of quite-talented players loved by bearded men and the women who date them. Also, hipsters love Belgian craft beer, and there’s a lot of that in Belgium.
What’s to stop them winning the whole thing?
Other than Eden Hazard, they don’t have a superstar lineup. It’s a squad with strength in depth, but perhaps lacking in absolute quality. More importantly, people are calling this Belgium’s golden generation, and golden generations never win anything. FACT.
Reasons to side with the hipsters?
Thibaut Courtois was the best keeper in the Champion’s League this year, and in the shape of Vermaelen, Vertonghen, and Kompany they have a trio of classy defenders who are all capable of embarrassing strikers, especially Vertonghen:
Literally embarrassing.
http://gph.is/1gZyuIs
Lukaku and Dembele are beasts while Hazard, Kevin Mirallas, and Nacer Chadli provide the flair. (Yes, Nacer Chadli is actually rubbish).
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
Belgium is a tiny country of chocolate-munching beer snobs, if they win the World Cup they won’t even throw a decent party.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Eden Hazard:
Scorer of goals.
Son of Mickey Hazard.
Enemy of ball boys everywhere.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Marouane Fellaini, a man as insane as his haircut.
Colombia
Why are these guys so popular in Brooklyn?
Colombia gave us Rene Higuita and Carlos Valderama, extravagant geniuses with utterly ridiculous hair, and for that reason, hipsters will always love them. And with the all-to-famous-for-their-liking Falcao out with an injury, that affection will only intensify.
http://gph.is/RGI0ex
What’s to stop them winning the whole thing?
The fear of getting shot. Despite Andres Escobar’s assassin admitting that he shot the defender because he thought he was someone else, the myth still persists that Escobar’s life was ended because of his own-goal against the US in 1994. At 38, Mario Yepes (this year’s captain) must be in living in fear of putting a foot wrong.
Reasons to side with the hipsters?
James Rodriguez and Jackson Martinez are highly-rated and very expensive forwards who can produce wonderful moments of skill.
Reasons to want them to exit at the group stage?
The inevitable endless shots of Shakira celebrating. The pint-sized pop star has now released two wretched official World Cup anthems and has gotten more than enough exposure from our beautiful game.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
James Rodriguez: Woof
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Christian Zapata. Waited ages to get his chance and then, 25 minutes into a crucial qualifier with Argentina, kicked Gonzalo Higuain and got sent off.
Japan
Why are these guys so popular in Brooklyn?
Japan is Hipster Mecca, weird fashion, bizarre culture, and expensive food served in small portions. Hipsters love that shit! The football team is simply an extension of this — small players who look good but are slightly overrated. Japan achieved Football Hipster Zen when Shinji Kagawa left Borussia Dortmund. Torn by grief, he and (Football Hipster God) Jurgen Klopp cried in each others’ arms for an hour. The pain at their parting still lingers for Klopp:
Misses Kagawa.
http://giphy.com/gifs/13YUs4Qfxyy5y
What’s to stop them winning the whole thing?
Well, they’re actually not very good, they’re just a lot better than prejudice would have you think. They’re nowhere near good enough to win a World Cup and are unlikely to get out of their group, but there’s a strong chance that when watching them you’ll think: “Hey, Japan aren’t that bad!”
Reasons to side with the hipsters?
Manchester United fans might not believe me, but Shinji Kagawa is actually very good. AC Milan fans might not believe me, but Keisuke Honda is actually very good. Southampton first might not believe me, but Yoshida is apparently actually very good. Ok, that’s a lie, Yoshida is clown shoes and everyone knows it.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
The prospect of Klopp and Kagawa hugging and crying on the football field with us having to watch for an hour.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Keisuke Honda: very good footballer, fantastic masturbation advice giver:
“No Shinji, you’re doing it wrong.”
http://giphy.com/gifs/cW1uhyyUJE4AE
Most likely to do a Pepe?
This is Japan, they haven’t done controversy since Nakata retired. Apparently Honda once said something that was considered slightly outspoken, but then it emerged he had coughed.
Disappointments waiting to happen
England
Hang on, I know these guys, they’re good no?
Synonyms for ‘England World Cup Campaign’:
- disappointment
- deflation
- despondency
- desperation
- delusion
- depression
- disaster
- destitution
- despair
- dismal
And that’s just the Ds
Any reason to think they might do well?
It’s the youngest squad since 1966, which means that most of the underachieving “Golden Generation” are not here this time. Only Gerrard (the one we always liked), Lampard (only a squad player this time), and Rooney (there’s talk of him being dropped) remain. There’s also a trio of exciting prospects in Sterling, Lallana, and Barkley. With the Evertonian bearing a remarkable resemblance to Paul Gascoigne circa 1990.
Reasons to cheer for them?
England is the home of football. They created the game, surely it’s time for their fans to take the trophy home to where it belongs.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
Their fans think England is the home of football. And just because they claim to have created the game, they feel like the World Cup owes them something.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Steven Gerrard has been at the heart of a Liverpool renaissance that faltered only when the great man himself slipped to allow Chelsea’s Demba Ba to open the scoring at Anfield. But Stevie G is still capable of getting England fans out of their seats, pumping their fists, and shouting “Come on!” And this time he’s finally captain.
Imaginative nickname.
http://gph.is/1mcnCtF
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Raheem Sterling already pulled a Pepe in the warm up game against Ecuador, but generally the squad is quite stable, although Jack Wilshere does have a mouth on him, and Wayne Rooney has a bit of previous when it comes to stamping on defenders’ testicles.
France
Hang on, I know these guys, they’re good no?
The French have already supplied headlines for this World Cup by leaving Man City’s premiership winners Gael Clichy and Samir Nasri out of their 23-man squad. Nasri’s continued omission despite an injury to the world’s third best (and first ugliest) player, Frank Ribery, is as understandable as a Gallic shrug. After the debacle over their 2010 campaign, Les Bleus are now but a shadow of the team that so successfully won back-to-back World and European Championships 14 years ago. Avoiding a player strike, scoring a goal, and winning a game would be an improvement on last time.
Any reason to think they might do well?
They have a coach who won the World Cup as a player, and reached the Champion’s league final with Monaco as a manager, so perhaps he knows what he is doing. They showed mental fortitude (not something you associate with French teams) in recovering from a two-goal deficit against Ukraine in the qualifying playoff. They also have some real quality players. Paul Pogba has been been one half of the best midfield combination in Europe for the past two years, and Hugo Lloris could be the best keeper in the world. The PSG contingent have improved in Europe over the last few years, and this is a side with a balance of flair and power. Importantly, the bar for success is really low — the French public will be happy if they sing the anthem — and so the pressure should be off. More significantly, there’s a pattern with France: -1994: Didn’t qualify
-1998: Winners
-2002 : Didn’t score a goal
-2006 : Runners up
-2010: Went on strike, finished bottom of their group
Going by that sequence, they’re due to do well.
Reasons to cheer for them?
They play reasonably attractive football. They shrug a lot. Their kit is by far the most attractive offering at this year’s tournament. That’s about it. It’s much more fun if they self-implode.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
1. They’re France.
2. Without Nasri, Ribery, Zidane, Ginola, or Cantona, they can’t even excite their own fans:
http://gph.is/1a05uQA
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Frank Ribery is a player capable of… oh no wait, he’s injured.
Samir Nasri has matured into a player that scores big goals in …. ahh right, he’s not going, too.
Hatem Ben Arfa is a prodigious talent that might finally get to shine…What? They didn’t pick him either!
Erm, Yohan Cabaye scored a nice free-kick against Stoke City once…
Quite good.
http://gph.is/Z0f3XB
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Paul Pogba. Gets sent off when he doesn’t deserve it, and when he does.
The Netherlands
Hang on, I know these guys, they’re good no?
With players like Sneijder, Van Persie, and Robben in your team, you’d probably fancy your chances, but when you look at the list of defenders available to Louis Van Gaal, you’d more than likely start wondering if Klaas-Jan Huntelaar could be converted to a centre-half. And while the attack is good, it’s ageing and coming out of a long European campaign playing for some of the top clubs in world football — and Man Utd. Added this to the unfortunate injury to Kevin Strootman, Louis Van Gaal’s eye potentially being on his new job at Manchester United, and their really hard group and you can’t help but feel it’ll be a bridge too far for the Flying Dutchman this year.
Any reason to think they might do well?
They only dropped two points in qualification, and have a coach that’s won trophies everywhere. Arjen Robben has been one of the five best players in Europe for the past three seasons, and Van Persie will surely perform at a major tournament this time around.
Reasons to cheer for them?
They’re the nation that gave us total football, the Cruyff turn and Ruud Gullit’s haircut. Plus, all that bright orange looks really cool in a stadium.
Moves like Johan Cruyff.
http://gph.is/1cpwUMP
Reasons to want them to exit at the group stage?
They’re going to lose eventually anyway, why not do it early so we can all stop wondering if it’s finally going to be their year and go back to watching the Van Basten and Bergkamp goals over and over?
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Arjen Robben, though it’s just as likely to be for the elevation on his dive as for a piece of skill.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Nigel de Jong. Here he is doing a Nigel de Jong.
