Preview 3: The Loveable and the Indifferent
Part of the Fan’s Guide to World Cup 2014
The Loveable
Mexico
Why do we love these guys?
Every four years, Mexico light up the World Cup with something. Whether it be Blanco’s bunny hop, Jorge Campos’ ridiculous goal-keeping outfits (which perfectly matched his ridiculous goal-keeping), or Jared Borgetti’s insanely good header vs the Italians in 2002 (and the sweatiest armpits in coaching history that came with it).
Last time, Javier ‘Chicharito’ Hernandez made the world fall in love with him by putting France out. Admittedly, he then removed all that goodwill by moving to Manchester United, but the pattern remains the same: Mexico arrive, win our hearts, and then disappear for another four years.
So they have no chance right?
They do and they don’t, it’s really difficult to tell. Their qualifying campaign was wretched, and they needed a pair of unnecessary USA goals in injury-time to escape the ignominy of not qualifying. However, their U23 side won the Gold Medal at the Olympics just two years ago, defeating a Brazil side that included Neymar and Hulk in the final. Who knows what will happen? The only thing for sure is mariachis with sombreros will be in the crowd.
http://gph.is/1nlFfwc
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
It’s really hard to find one, but this year their second strip is bright orange. This blatant attempt to make themselves more Dutch is as good a reason as I can find.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
There’s a few options but Andres Guardado is a player that I used to do some pretty cool tricks with on my X-Box, it’ll be interesting to see if he’s actually any good in real life.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
This is Mexico! They love a red-card, and have 11 Pepes just waiting to unleash violence.
Ghana
Why do we love these guys?
At the last World Cup, Ghana was everything we adore about African football: great goals, prodigious skill, incredibly intricate celebrations, and beating the USA.
So they have no chance right?
Unfortunately not, the side from 2010 are mostly still playing, but they’re four years past their peak. Talisman Michael Essien’s career is in its twilight years, Asamoah Gyan couldn’t hack it at Sunderland, and Kevin-Prince Boateng is still more famous for what he says off the pitch than what he does on it.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
After what Satan’s representative on earth (Luis Suarez) did to them in South Africa, Ghana have accumulated more than enough good feeling for them to be everyone’s second side for another year. Come on you Black Stars!
http://gph.is/1hHLaqy
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Asamoah Gyan, the world’s best dancer and a prolific striker for his country. This time around he won’t be taking any penalties.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Kevin-Prince Boateng. After his dangerous tackle put Michael Ballack out of the last World Cup, even his brother Jerome won’t speak to him.
South Korea
Why do we love these guys?
Mostly it’s because of what they did in 2002 when the players knocked out Portugal, Italy, and Spain and the fans made the stands a sea of red. The way in which the people of South Korea jump on the football bandwagon every four years is best shown by this scientific decibel map:
They’ve struggled a bit since hosting, but last time out made it to the second round of a World Cup on foreign soil for the first time. And with the 2002 captain, Hong Myung-bo, now the coach, there’s the promise of a return to the energetic counter-attacking football that served them so well under Guus Hiddink.
So they have no chance right?
Well, let’s put it this way, their captain and star striker, Park Ju-young has a record of one goal every seven appearances during his Arsenal career.
Worse than Carlos Vela.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
They all have similar names, and because some commentators use the correct format and put the surname first, and others stick with what they know, you’re never quite sure who they’re talking about. On the plus side, you can say things like “I thought the lad Kim did quite well”, and probably be correct every time.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Son Heung-min isn’t like other Korean players: He’s tall; he’s not called Park, Lee, or Kim; and he’s scored over 30 goals in a top European league. The attacking midfielder has earned the nickname ‘Magician’ in Germany, and it’s not hard to see why.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
None of them. But, there’s something they do to the opposition that makes them unleash their inner Pepe. Like when Totti elbowed Kim Nam-il in the face or when Joao Pinto decided to try out his martial arts skills.
The Indifferent
A.k.a: The teams that end in ‘ia’.
Nigeria
Come on, everyone brings something to the party.
True, and during the nineties, no-one brought more than Nigeria. But these days, there’s not so much to get excited about. Even the stories about witch doctors have dried up, leaving Ghana as the neutral’s African team of choice.
Why the indifference?
This is probably one of the worst and least flamboyant Nigerian sides in living memory. The central player is John Obi Mikel who accumulated seven times as many yellow cards as goals this season.
Reasons to like them?
If the only thing Nigeria ever produced was Jay-Jay Okocha it would enough to love them for the rest of time. But they also produced Nwankwo Kanu, Taribo West, and other lunatics.
One trick, but what a trick.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
This is a side based on a solid goalkeeper, a well-drilled defence, and midfield enforcers–that’s not what we want to see from the Super Eagles. It’s just wrong.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
According to the previews I’ve read elsewhere, the player we’re supposed to watch out for is Shola Ameobi. That’s right, Shola –spend most of the season injured, score the occasional goal for Newcastle, and then disappear– Ameobi. That can’t be it, surely. Nigeria, what are you playing at?
Most likely to do a Pepe?
John Obi Mikel, if the referee has a strange accent and says the word ‘donkey’.
Bosnia
Come on, everyone brings something to the party.
Yes, and to be fair to Bosnia, they’re making their World Cup debut, which is something to get excited about, especially as they have lived in the shadow of Croatia and Serbia in the list of teams that used to be part of Yugoslavia.
Why the indifference?
Of the 23 players going to Brazil, 17 of them have names that end in ‘ic’ and with Croatia providing a similar amount, it’s just too much opportunity for confusion.
Reasons to like them?
They’re something different. We don’t know what to expect, will they play a slick and aesthetic Eastern European style? Will their fans be a collective of gorgeous beer swillers, or are they a bunch of hooligans? We just don’t know.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
Edin Džeko has a face you want to punch, and a surname with a weird ž in it. How are you supposed to say that?
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Miralem Pjanic who has spent all year terrorising Serie A defences with goals like this one.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Their fans. They love a flair, and if many of them make it over to Brazil, it could get pretty fiery (Yep, a flair pun).
Croatia
Come on, everyone brings something to the party.
Croatia were fun back in 1998, with the whole Davor Suker, Robert Prosinecki, Zvonomir Boban generation. They were the hipsters’ choice of their day. Brilliant and plucky players who came from nowhere to finish third in France.
Why the indifference?
They tarnished the memories of 98 by getting Laurent Blanc sent off in the semi-final. And now they’re just a bunch of players whose names end with ‘ic’: Modric, Rakitic, Mandzukic, Jelavic, Olic, Scratchic, Lifesabitch.
Reasons to like them?
They parted with previous coach Slaven Bilic, who not only stopped Laurent Blanc from playing in the World Cup Final and played for West Ham, but also strums guitar in a horrible post-punk rock group.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Luka Modric ran the second-half of this year’s Champion’s League final and along with Andrea Pirlo is one of the few creative midfielders to sit deep. If only he would add a few more goals to his game.
http://gph.is/19DDnIO
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Another reason to feel indifferent, they’ve left Josep Simunic behind. A player so good at fouling he once got three yellow cards in a single game. We’ll all have to live without the prospect of epic fouls like this one:
Russia
Come on everyone brings something to the party.
It wasn’t so long ago that Russia had the exciting up-and-coming team that took Euro 2008 by storm. Pavlyuchenko scored goals, Zhirkov ran like a whippet, Akinfeev was going to be Manchester United’s new goalkeeper, and Andrei Arshavin was the new Platini.
Why the indifference?
Russia haven’t done anything in a World Cup, ever. Even as the Soviet Union the best they managed was fourth in 1966. And all that promise of six years ago has evaporated. Pavlyuchenko hasn’t made the squad, Zhirkov never got his head up, and Akinfeev never left Russia. Although Andrei Arshavin did turn out to be the new Platini, in the sense that they’re both fat.
Reasons to like them?
Fabio Capello got a rough ride four years ago as England manager. He took a lot of the blame, but it was the players who froze under the weight of pressure and not the Italian. He left one set of serial underachievers for another but perhaps he can get back to working his usual miracles instead of bullying Stuart Pearce on the sidelines.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
If Alexandr Kerzhakov is ever going to perform at a major championship and live up to his domestic reputation, it has to be now.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Alan Dzagoev likes to smack people in the face.
