Preview 4: Gatecrashers & Filler
Part of the Fan’s Guide to World Cup 2014
The Gatecrashers
The USA
No love for these guys, huh?
For any European “soccer” fan the question of what to think about the US and football is never straightforward. Should we encourage the most influential country in the world to get behind the beautiful game? Or are we doing just fine without their razzmatazz and ticker-tape?
There must be something you like…
The current plight of the MLS is something to be pleased about: attendances are on the rise, star players are evenly distributed (for the most part), the quality is not as bad as Europeans say it is, and they took Robbie Keane and his stupid celebration off our hands. Jurgen Klinsmann’s dedication to youth with this squad is also something to be commended, even if he hasn’t found a space for Landon Donovan (one of only 6 or 7 US players any European can name).
See, they don’t seem so bad…
The thing is, it’s our game, you should use our words, our terms. We have spent years coming up with them, don’t use your own. It’s not called ‘soccer’. You don’t ‘rainbow’ a goalkeeper, you ‘chip’ him, or ‘lob’ him. A penalty-kick is never a ‘P.K.’, ever. Matches are played in stadiums and not arenas, and under no circumstances is it acceptable to quote a Disney movie when describing a goal.
Not a pirate or from the Caribbean.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EW2d-QrnFgA
Any chance they’ll make it out of the group?
The worrying thing is, they’ll be the most professional and probably fittest team at the tournament. Klinsmann has done well at the World Cup before, he’ll have the Americans playing as a team, and no-one is better placed to know the strengths and weaknesses of Jogi Low than his former boss. This and their ability to run around a lot in what will be difficult conditions in the north of Brazil means that despite being drawn in the group of death, they might just spring a surprise.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Tim Howard, a genuinely world-class goalkeeper with a genuinely fantastic beard.
http://gph.is/1cqBlar
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Jozi Altidore, not because he’s crazy or malicious, just huge and without any sense of coordination.
Switzerland
No love for these guys, huh?
Absolutely none. There are no redeeming features about Switzerland being at a World Cup. Every time they turn up, they seem to be on a mission to bore the living daylights out of anyone watching. And this time they have been drawn in a ridiculously easy group and we’re faced with the prospect of them snoring their way to a quarter-final.
There must be something you like…
Nope, nothing. Even their coach, Ottmar Hitzfeld is a man famous in his German homeland for his unadventurous style of play. This is going to be a bore-fest.
That bad huh?
Yep. And what’s even worse is that this is FIFA president Sepp Blatter’s team. That’s right, the scumbag is a Switzerland fan. Perhaps he feels angry at the world for giving him a name that sounds like a fungal disease, but that doesn’t excuse his catalogue of sins, and for Switzerland it’s a case of guilt by association.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Xherdan Shaqiri could just be Switzerland’s saving grace. Good luck saying his first name though.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Valon Behrami likes to put his hands in people’s faces.
Greece
No love for these guys, huh?
When you look at the countries that line the Mediterranean, you can find some common passions: food, wine, and football played in the right way. Sadly, the last of these is not true for Greece. There may have been a time when it was, but then Otto Rehhagel came along and turned Greece into Champions of Europe. A romantic tale of the underdog? Yes, but the fallout is a team that not only parks the bus firmly in front of the goal, they lean out of the windows with sniper rifles trained on anyone thinking of scoring.
There must be something you like…
I have a weird personal affection for Georgios Samaras. Sure, he’s lazy and goes missing for much of a game, but he scores goals and has long flowing hair.
Captivating.
http://gph.is/16lF6zh
See, they don’t seem so bad…
I suppose not, but it’s not worth watching an entire 90 minutes of bus parking just in case Samaras does something good.
Any chance they’ll make it out of the group?
Probably not, but with Japan not being as good as hipsters would have you believe, and the Ivory Coast adept at messing up major tournaments, they might just have a chance.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Georgios Karagounis when you find out he’s running around that much at the age of 37.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Konstantinos Katsouranis once got sent off and literally started a riot.
Australia
No love for these guys, huh?
Australia doesn’t even like football. In fact, they dislike it so much so that they devised their own set of rules and created a sport that no-one else understands. In order to qualify more often for World Cups, they decided to re-classify themselves as Asian in order to avoid endless playoffs with Uruguay, but, I don’t know why they bothered, the population is more interested in the rugby.
There must be something you like…
The fact that this year they have a rubbish team. Australian pundits are so downbeat about their chances that some are predicting they won’t even score a goal. Sadly, this means that your chirpy Australian workmate probably won’t be watching and so won’t care when Chile score a hatful against them.
See, they don’t seem so bad…
You’re right, it will be enjoyable to see if they can produce the worst goal difference in the history of the World Cup–a record currently held by South Korea when in 1954 they conceded 16 goals and scored zero in their three games.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Tim Cahill is capable of great goals as well as crappy toe-pokes after a goalmouth scramble.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Tim Cahill. Who is also pretty adept at two-footed lunges on Bastian Schweinsteiger.
Filler
Costa Rica, Ecuador, & Honduras
So you took the three Central American sides and lumped them all in one section?
Yes, I did.
Tsk, tsk. Lazy.
Ok, I’m sorry, but there’s just not that much to say about them. When England played Ecuador in the last-sixteen of the 2006 World Cup, I searched desperately for a reason to dislike them. The only thing I could find is that the national dish is guinea-pig.
Delicious, if you’re Ecuadorian.
http://gph.is/XJk4b1
So they’re all going home before the second-round?
Maybe not. If Group G is the group of death, then Ecuador and Honduras find themselves together in the group of life. Ecuador in particular stand a chance, and having qualified via the tough South American program, they could upset the Swiss or the French (please God let them upset the Swiss or the French). Honduras, however, are stuffed full of players that got Wigan Athletic relegated from the Premier League, while Costa Rica’s star player couldn’t even get in Fulham’s first team (Fulham also got relegated). Even Ecuador failed to win away from home during qualifying, relying instead on defeating opponents on their own soil, which happens to be many thousands of meters above sea-level.
Players to watch out for?
Costa Rica’s Bryan Ruiz arrived at Fulham with a great reputation, but failed to live up to his billing. Here he is scoring the luckiest penalty of all time:
Ooooooh.
http://gph.is/17jP9VH
For Ecuador, Michael Arruyo looked pretty tasty in the recent warm up against England.
And for Honduras, the person to look out for is the coach, who goes by the name of Luis Suarez. Here is crying after Liverpool blew a three-goal lead over Crystal Palace.
HA!
http://gph.is/1nlBd70
What do you mean they’re different people?
Cameroon & Algeria
It was bad enough that you lumped those other teams together, now you’ve done it with the two remaining African teams.
I feel bad because these teams aren’t really alike at all.
Shame on you.
Well, it’s mostly their fault. Before Ghana became the new Nigeria, Cameroon were the old Nigeria (basically the African team of choice). But now they’re just a bunch of players from the French leagues who Samuel Eto’o flies around with him to major tournaments. Meanwhile, Algeria are also a collection of French players who weren’t good enough to play for France. And they’re so dull that they inspire birds to sit on nets during their games.
Anyone we should watch out for?
Well, we should all watch to see if Cameroon make it to the game, because at one point they were refusing to leave their hotel. If they do make it to the stadium, Premier league fans will be only too aware of Samuel Eto’o and his old man ways, but you should also keep an eye out for former Tottenham left-back Benoit Assou-Ekotto who despite being pretty decent going forward, continues to make at least one hilarious mistake every game.
Meanwhile, Algeria have Sofiane Feghouli who is a genuine candidate to emerge from this competition as a new superstar.
Iran
Last team huh?
Yep.
Know anything about them?
Not much. Just three things.
- Carlos Quieroz is their coach. He was also the coach at Manchester United for many years and was credited (wrongly) in playing a big part in their continued and horrific success. He later failed as a head-coach at Real Madrid, and returned to Manchester United. On his return, he lapped up some more undeserved credit, and then left to become Head-Coach of his native Portugal–where he failed.
- The lad Dejagah was the only player to emerge from Fulham’s wretched season with any credit.
3. At France 98, they recorded their first World Cup Finals victory with a 2-1 win over the USA in one of the most exciting and political games you’ll ever see. It was a match that some thought would never be played, and although the US hit the woodwork twice, Iran ran out worthy winners. I’ll always remember David Pleat’s commentary after Mehdi Mahdavikia scored the winning second goal:
“Mahdavikia, good player, strong runner, nice legs.”
