The Fan’s Guide to World Cup 2014
Preview 1: Favourites and Dark Horses
FAVOURITES
Brazil
What’s the supposed narrative here?
The Samba Kings play host to the tournament with which they’ve had a century-long love affair, and with their combination of hip wiggles and beach football, secure the cup for the people and make up for what happened in 1950.
What’s the reality?
The choice of Big Phil Scolari shows Brazil’s determination to win, but it won’t be pretty. Scolari is a pragmatic coach that builds a solid defensive platform and then relies on the individual brilliance of his attackers. Inside the stadium, the team will be under immense pressure, while outside, a great number of Brazilians see the tournament as one colossal waste of money.
Reasons to like them?
Carnival!!!!
Samba!!!!
Caipirinhas!!!
Copa Cabana!!!
The girl from Ipanema!!!
Players with one name!!!
Exclamation points!!!
Also, Brazil’s games will undoubtedly have the most lingering shots of the crowd as cameramen briefly forget that the world is watching what they’re filming.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
There aren’t any. A World Cup in Brazil without Brazil won’t be any fun.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Neymar, if the team is three goals up and someone tells him all his YouTube videos have been deleted.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
David Luiz: Clown, asshole, hero, Sideshow Bob lookalike.
Spain
What’s the supposed narrative here?
The reigning champions become the first European team to win outside of Europe as well as the first team to win the trophy back-to-back since Brazil in 1962. Marvel as the ageing Xavi, Iniesta, and co. land one last triumph for Tika-taka.
What’s the reality?
Seven years ago, Spain were the team most likely to choke. Then they were universally admired as the best side since Brazil in 1970. Now they’re a bunch of old men looking for what would be a last hurrah. Meanwhile, the average fan wouldn’t mind them repeating what France did in 2002.
Reasons to like them?
They play football the right way: silky touches, overlapping full backs, and more passes than a glamour model on Mastermind.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
However admirable their football may be, it’s dull. It’s like watching this animated gif for 90 minutes.
It’s brilliant, but can someone tell them that the idea is to put the ball in the bloody goal. (Yes, this is Messi and Alves and neither of them are Spanish, but you get the point.)
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Andres Iniesta. No man has done more for the image of pasty white men.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Sergio Ramos. At times a brilliant defender and Champion’s League winning goal threat, at others, a world-class idiot.
Germany
What’s the supposed narrative here?
Jogi Low and his boys finally live up to their hype and potential and deliver a trophy for a new more likeable Germany.
Likeable German
http://gph.is/15vMMir
What’s the reality?
They’ll excite during the group stages, play wonderful, dynamic attacking football and then choke in the semis again.
Reasons to like them?
Ozil, Hummels, Gotze, and Muller can be a delight to watch. At their best, Germany is a team with the technical brilliance of Spain, but with the desire to actually score goals. But most of all, Jogi Low’s touchline outfits are metrosexuality at its finest. Hopefully, the warm weather won’t rob the world of his fitted shirt and scarf combinations.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
They’re still Germany. We all remember Klinsmann diving in the Italia ‘90 final, Ballack killing off the plucky Koreans in ‘02 and the existence of Lothar Mattheus. Moreover, unlike God, football fans haven’t forgiven them for any of these sins.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Mesut Ozil, when his eyes aren’t being caught offside, is a fine football player with a wonderful awareness of others around him. But he hasn’t been that player for a year, so it’s more likely to be Goetze.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Jerome Boateng, he’s actually matured recently, but he’s still the brother of a man called Kevin-Prince.
Argentina
What’s the supposed narrative here?
Lionel Messi captures the one trophy missing from his cabinet and is mentioned in the same breath as Maradona and Pele as perhaps the greatest player that ever lived.
What’s the reality?
No one really knows what to expect from Argentina. Blessed with such an array of attacking talent that they’ve managed to leave Carlos Tevez behind, they should be fun to watch, but the defence is unlikely to convince anyone.
Not good enough.
http://gph.is/1c2aYhM
Reasons to like them?
Messi, Aguero, Di Maria, quick skilful players that despite Argentina’s football heritage do their best to stay on their feet in the box. Plus, it’s always fun to see Maradona jumping around, it’s just a shame he won’t be doing it as coach.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
Despite the love for Lionel, Sergio, and Angel, the rest of the squad are very much from the traditional win-at-all-costs school of Argentine Football. And whenever they play, head-butts, dives, handballs, and imaginary card waving is never far behind.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Messi has had a poor season by his standards, but even then he’s been able to produce moments that make you shake your head. Like when you catch a glimpse of the tattoo of his mum on his shoulder.
http://gph.is/XN9ZtD
Most likely to do a Pepe.
Javier Mascherano might play at the heart of Barcelona’s cultured defense, but the guy is one of the few players around who can get sent off for kicking a medic.
DARK HORSES
Italy
Why only dark horses? Why not light ones?
Because they’re Italy. They usually only win when the squad is being investigated for fraud. The rest of the time they’re their own worst enemies.
Why might they sneak it?
They have a team that plays eye-catching football with the usual classy Italian defence. Buffon is ageing but has been the best keeper of his generation, De Rossi and Pirlo are a brilliant midfield combination, and they have flair upfront too.
Reasons to cheer for them?
Because when they score, it means something to them. They cry, throw their hands out in ecstasy, and shout their own names. It’s stuff to warm the heart.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
They’re not the greatest of losers. When South Korea knocked them out of the 2002 World Cup, the winning goalscorer Ahn Jung-hwan was fired by his club, Perugia. And when Denmark and Sweden played out a 2-2 draw (a result that saw both Scandinavian sides through to the next round) at Euro 2004, the Italians screamed conspiracy, apparently unaware of the concept of irony.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Andrea Pirlo is a beautiful man who plays football in his slippers. His Panenka vs England at Euro 2012 made even England’s Rio Ferdinand tweet in amazement.
Slippers.
http://gph.is/1a04Na2
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Mario “Ball On Telly” Balotelli will lead the line. He’s also the player most likely to throw a lawn dart at someone, or let off fireworks in his bathroom, or drive into a woman’s prison, or lose his temper with a bib.
Portugal
Why only dark horses? Why not light ones?
Portugal are remarkably adept at almost messing up qualifying and then almost winning the championship. This year, they almost didn’t qualify, needing to beat Sweden in a playoff. Chances are they’ll almost find glory in Brazil.
Why might they sneak it?
Ronaldo. Also they have Ronaldo. And don’t forget they have Ronaldo.
Reasons to cheer for them?
Despite their pedigree, Portugal have never won a major football championship. Great players have come and gone, Eusebio, Figo, Rui Costa, and none have taken home a trophy to their adoring public. And with the economy still in the toilet, they deserve something.
Reasons to want a group stage exit?
Ronaldo might cry.
http://gph.is/19xhMjo
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Ronaldo. A man so self-obsessed he has financed a museum dedicated to himself. Oh and he’s the best player in the World.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Pepe.
Uruguay
Why only dark horses. Why not light ones?
A country nobody really knows anything about — apart from the fact they mysteriously won two World Cups before most of us were even born — they will have a formidable side going into this edition but outside of the obvious stars, the rest of the squad is not exactly blessed with pedigree, and their Captain, Diego Lugano, doesn’t even have a club. Perhaps he’ll be fresh…
Why might they sneak it?
Central defender Godin recently headed Atletico Madrid to a La Liga title and was 90 seconds from doing the same in the Champion’s League. And with Luis Suarez hitting the form of his life in tandem with Edinson Cavani, the country Homer Simpson once called “U-R-GAY” will have a strike force capable of smashing goals past any keeper.
Reasons to cheer for them?
Erm, because they’re the plucky underdogs? No.
Erm, because they’re a traditional footballing powerhouse?
OK, I admit it, I can’t find one reason to support Uruguay, if you’re not Uruguayan.
http://gph.is/17h9iy1
Reasons to want them to exit at the group stage?
Luis Suarez must never be forgiven for what he did to Ghana. Or for biting the loveable Branislav Ivanovic. Oh yeah, and for what he said to Patrice Evra (8 times). Ah and then there’s the diving. And the time he scored with his hand and then kissed it.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Luis Suarez. He’s a brilliant player that runs himself into the ground and will do ANYTHING to win.
http://gph.is/1eUyQ8F
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Luis Suarez. He’s a nutcase. Oh how I hope he’s not injured. He’s just too much fun.
Cote D’Ivoire
Why only dark horses. Why not light ones?
The Ivory Coast is always, on paper, Africa’s best chance of going far in the World Cup. But they never turn up at major tournaments. They’ve yet to go beyond the group stage at a World Cup and they constantly lose in the final of the African Cup of Nations. (Man, cup of nations sounds so cool.)
Why might they sneak it?
This will probably be Didier Drogba’s international swan song, and he’s gonna be backed by a strong looking lineup. Including Yaya (oh-ya) Toure, Chieck (me-out) Tioté, Wilfried (I’ve-got-a) Bony and the rejuvenated wanna-be Brazilian, Gervinho. Could they be the first African nation to reach the semis? It’ll probably depend on what the coach bought Yaya for his birthday.
Not a fan of cake.
http://gph.is/1eHDioV
Reasons to cheer for them?
They play a brand of football all about attacking instinct and (usually) devoid of discipline. The provisional squad list tells the story — Drogba, Bony, Kalou, Gervinho, Doumbia, Traore — six strikers that would get into most World Cup teams, while the defence is similarly set up for goals–their first choice keeper plays for a mid-table Belgian side and their best defender is Kolo Toure, who this year has been producing moments like this:
http://gph.is/1bqvkkJ
Reasons to want them to exit at the group stage?
Until recently nothing. Then Yaya Toure complained that he only got a cake for his birthday and not a Bugatti.
Player most likely to make you applaud the TV?
Yaya Toure. To be fair he deserved at least a cake for his Premiership winning performances at Man City this year.
Most likely to do a Pepe?
Didier Drogba. An elder-statesman these days, and probably wiser than in previous years. But any man that goes into a dressing room, dons his flip-flops, and then returns to berate a referee in front of a global television audience is clearly not right in the head. And with some pundits suggesting his position in the team may go to Wilfried Bony, there might be some fireworks.
