The Right & Wrong Thing To Do When Someone Close To You Hurts You
Ask First. Listen Second. Criticize Last
By David Grace (Amazon Page — David Grace Website)
Don’t Learn This Lesson The Hard Way
I wish I could learn life’s important lessons by figuring them out in advance instead of getting things wrong and then having to learn what I should have known from my mistakes.
Many, maybe most of you already know the advice that is in this column, but for those of you who don’t, please, do yourself a favor and don’t learn this life lesson the hard way.
Sometime You Will Think Someone Has Done You Wrong
It is inevitable that sometime in your life you will think that someone close to you has hurt/betrayed/disappointed/angered/disrespected you. It may be a lover, a spouse, a family member, a dear friend, whatever, but someday, and probably more than once, someone close to you will do something, or you will think that they did something, that is deeply painful to you.
The Common And Wrong Reaction
The most common, and wrong, responses to that kind of pain are
- (1) to decide that they are dead to you and without a further word just banish them from your life or
- (2) angrily confront them: “You did this, which is terrible! How could you do that to me? This is unacceptable. Blah, blah, blah.”
But, while it’s human, natural and understandable to respond with either (1) cold rejection or (2) angry complaints, doing either is hurtful to you, hurtful to the other person, counter productive, and a terribly bad idea.
What You Should Do
Please do yourself a favor and instead do this:
Tell the other person what you think they did/said if you heard this from someone else or, if they said or did this directly to you, tell them what you think you heard and why it hurts you, how it makes you feel.
Next, ask them for their side of the story because:
- (1) You may have gotten it wrong. Maybe they didn’t say what you thought they did. Maybe you or someone else misheard or misinterpreted what they said or did, or they may have been referring to someone else, not to you.
- (2) They may have misspoken or acted accidentally.
- (3) They may have thought what they said was funny or maybe they were speaking sarcastically and not seriously.
- (4) They may have rightly or wrongly thought you had done something to them and they were reacting to what they thought were your hurtful words or conduct
- (5) They might have just had a series of terrible disasters/upsets in their life and they lashed out or snapped with harsh words or deeds without sincerely meaning them. Maybe they already regret their conduct and they don’t need your angry complaints to motivate them to want to take it back.
- (6) They may have some reason why they thought/said/did what they did based on things they have seen or heard you do sometime in the past.
The thing is, you don’t know, you CANNOT know if one of the above possible situations is the one you’re involved with unless and until you first ask them for their side.
If you think someone close to you has done you wrong, the rule you need to follow is:
Ask first. Listen second. Criticize third.
You can always move from asking to apologizing or from asking to criticizing. You can never gracefully move from criticizing to asking to apologizing.
Even The Israelis First Asked Eichmann For His Side
When the Israelis caught Adolph Eichmann, they (1) told him what they believed he had done and then (2) they allowed him to tell his side of the story.
Yes, at the end they didn’t believe him and they hanged him, but first they told him what they thought he had done and then they listened to his side.
The Four Steps — Ask, Listen, Explain Your Feelings, Decide What’s Next
Suppose you think that your spouse has cheated on you or that your business partner has stolen money from the company or that your brother told you that you’re weak-ass loser.
What should you do first? That’s the issue. Not what you should ultimately do, but what should you do first.
— — The answer is always, “First you ask.”
— “Sally, I found a text between you and someone name Charlie. Who’s Charlie and what is he to you?”
— “Larry, I was looking at the bank statement and I found a payment for $10,000 to something called Allied Enterprises in San Diego. What was that for?”
— “Bill, when you told me that I’m a limp-dick loser, it breaks my heart because ____________. It makes me feel ________. Why did you say that?”
— — Second, you listen to their response. You don’t have to believe it, but you have to listen to it.
— — Third, you tell them your response to what they said.
- “I believe you”
- “I misunderstood. I’m sorry.”
- “I don’t believe you because . . . .”
- “It’s not a joke to me.”
- “Your saying that about me makes we feel disrespected and it makes it difficult to trust you.”
- “It makes me feel that you don’t know me as well as I thought you did . . . .”
— — Lastly, you tell them what you’re going to do next.
You may decide to file for a divorce or dissolve your partnership. Or, you may find some way to work it out, or you may find yourself apologizing for misinterpreting or misunderstanding the situation in the first place.
It’s very possible that you got it wrong, that what you were so upset and angry about didn’t really happen the way you thought it did.
Ask → Criticize Is Possible; Criticize → Ask → Apologize Is Not Possible
Again, it’s much easier to say, “I found/heard this and that. What is your side of the story?” and then move on to “Oh, I didn’t realize that. I was mistaken. I’m sorry I got it wrong” than it is to say, “How dare you cheat on me with the pool guy? I won’t stand for that, you tramp!” and then say, “Oh, you gave your alarm code to your divorced sister and she was the one with the pool guy. Sorry I accused you of cheating on me and calling you a tramp and a slut. Never mind.”
Scars like that may heal, but they will never disappear.
If you ask first and only criticize second, you will probably be able to avoid inflicting those ugly scars in the first place.
— David Grace (Amazon Page — David Grace Website)
