Happy father’s day — Dads, are you ok?
It’s Father’s day in Australia. Why is it different to the rest of the world? Well because if we had it in June like the USA and the rest, it would be in the Australian winter. You don’t sell many power tools in winter. But the first weekend of Spring? Great time for a new drill.
If I had one father’s day wish, it would be that us Dads' felt more open to talking about our struggles. There are post-natal support groups, moms groups and nurse check ins for mothers. Hidden away is the struggles for the new dad.
I’m not for a second, even a split second, suggesting that the demands of the dad in a typical healthy family unit is even remotely close to that of the mother. We don’t have to deal with cracked nipples, extreme sleep depravation, all the hormonal changes and the ridiculous ‘look at how well my baby is doing, juggling at 6.5 half months! hashtag blessed’ culture on social media between mothers.
But. Our generation (I’m 33, actually, I just turned 34) expects that dad’s earn the big bucks, have a healthy fit body, are home on time, have the balance perfect, treat our wives with blissful romance, do the daycare dropoff, sing nursery rhymes, play an instrument to our kids, be at every school event, do the laundry, be hands on with the nappies, do the dishes, read the bed time stories, cook dinner in the evenings, baby proof the house, be exceptional lovers, and massage your wife’s feet as she drifts off. And we’re expected to do it perfectly. Late to pick up your kid from school? That’s a black mark… you’re one of those… you’re not allowed to make the mistakes. We don’t yet have a standard in society to check in on new dad’s — are you ok? My father’s generation had ‘provide money, don’t be a dick, and be home sometimes’ as the passing score.
I struggle with it. The balance between chasing money and family is a constant battle. When the end of the month rolls around and you’ve got a bit less in the bank than you’d hoped for (again), and the thoughts of being able to provide for your family so that they’re not left wanting in the future, causes stress. At the same time you see success in some friends that makes you envious. I suffer from serious house envy, to the point where I hate visiting friend’s with nice houses, and I die a little inside when I hear “wow they have such an amazing place”. I know my kids don’t care, but I’d still like to give that.
I’m whinging. But these things do affect me, let’s stop pretending they don’t. Yes I understand I haven’t been born in poverty in Ethiopia and I am absolutely grateful that my family is healthy.
When a dad says they’re struggling, ask if they want to chat… don’t dismiss it as “what are you complaining about, your wife has it way worse”. These things are real. The weight of expectation of the next 20 years is real. The tension of the decision of cancelling an important meeting because your son is sick is real. Yes of course you should cancel, but that means not getting that opportunity again which would’ve led to x,y,z… These things are real.
Check in on your dad friends… As a dad, I promise that they could use a chat, and not many people are asking if they’re ok.
And moms… the superheroes. You guys are amazing, and we want everything to be perfect for you and our little family, that’s what leads to the struggle. We’re trying our best, but we’re flawed, just as you are, there are days we are shit, but we’re trying, I promise, check in on us once in a while.
