Not Fine

Kyle jiggled his key into the doorknob. He smiled a not so genuine one over to his neighbor as she did the same. He wanted to roll his eyes and just escape already. Dinner with her was aggravating.

“Not totally fine? Why are you with Hilary if you describe your relationship that way?”

Of course, they moved on after Kyle repeatedly changed the subject when they had their conversation. Though, Candace’s short, but scary accurate, breakdown of his and his fiancé’s relationship was not her business at all. Candace was overstepping her boundaries as his neighbor … and ask his best friend. Ok, yes, he overstepped his boundaries as her friend in the past too. He shouldn’t have interfered in her budding relationship with the first chair violin, but whatever. That violin asshole was not a good fit for her life for tastes.

“Kyle,” Candace waved over to him. “Thanks again for dinner.”

His irritation was washed away at the sound her of bedroom tone. It was late and he didn have a beer or two.

“Goodnight.”

“Yeah… Goodnight, Candace.” he felt a warm tickle bit at his ear and roll over his stomach. A warmth stirred in his chest and his heartbeat reminded him that he wasn’t just a cold and collected doctor.

Kyle waited for Candace to pass the threshold of her apartment before doing so himself. If Candace didn’t always open her moth, she would be cute.

He was surprised that the lights in his condo were on when he entered his home. Before he could hang his key beside his door, a head popped up at the side. A pair of delicate arm wrapped around his torso.

“What took you so long to open the door?” his fiancé nuzzled into his chest.

“Hilary!”

“Hey, Kyle,” she purred.

He wished he could ignore that she didn’t use her signature nickname for him. Kyle glanced at the clock. It was 11:00. He was planning to do a bit of research and catch up on verifying the inters’ qualitative coding for a few hours before sleeping and heading to work. Guess he had to deal with whatever Hilary wanted to talk about. Kyle gently pushed Hilary’s embrace and led her to the couch.

“What are you doing here, Hilary? It’s pretty late.”

“Well, I thought we should catch up since we haven’t seen each other since my trip to Malaysia.”

“Oh right. How was the meeting with the research team? Are they willing to merge?”

He let Hilary sit on the couch first so he could place his belongings on the floor. He wanted to make sure his bag and wallet were easy to find once he rushed to work the next morning. He also wanted to make sure he wouldn’t have to call Candace to break into his apartment and get his belongings like last week.

“Kyle,” Hilary moved so that she was straddling him when he sat on the couch. Her voice was low, much different than all the time she tried to get intimate with him. “I don’t’ want to talk about work. I miss you.”

Hilary leaned in closer, placing his hands on her waist. “I’ve missed you so much-” a faint smell of alcohol was on her breath.

Kyle moved his hands to her shoulder. “Hilary, you should go to bed.”

Hilary whined before diving in for his neck. Her lips sucked at his clavicle, but he didn’t respond.

“Hilary-”

She flipped her hair as she sat up in his lap. “What’s wrong with us making out?”

“What do you mean?”

“We haven’t slept together since we date!! It was cute at first but we’re supposed to get married at the end of this year.”

“Hilary, you said if anything is uncomfortable for both of us-”

“I know what I said but Anthony and I went out ot drink. You know how it is when we-”

“You went out with Anthony?”

Kyle placed her to his right. He stood up to pace in front of her.

“So what? You always go out with the cello girl! Last time I checked, we were supposed to hire her for our wedding!”

He clicked his tongue and pressed his fingers to his forehead. “Her name is Candace.”

“I don’t care! If you spend all your time with her or Niell, why does it matter if I drink with Anthony?”

“Because you’ve been sober for three years! You can’t relapse.”

“What’s the big deal if I relapse?”

“Because I won’t marry you if you’re an alcoholic who can’t keep promises.”

They were silent.

Kyle’s and Hilary’s eyes locked.

Everything isn’t some game you wait out. People aren’t stock market trends. Candace’s words echoed in the back of his mind.

“It’s something I told myself.”

Kyle was surprised he was more honest with Hilary in this moment. Maybe it was the beer he drank with Candace? Maybe it was just hanging out with Candace? She pushed him, practically threw him into the depths of him, practically threw him into the depths of his dark swimming pool of emotions undealt with trauma.

“I never made a deal with you like that,” Hilary stood up.

She stood in front of him. Hilary was always shorter than him, but she never seemed so small. Kyle did always think she was beyond his reach. In this moment, with tears threatening to escape her, Kyle knew he could break her.

“I know,” he sighed.

“Fuck you,” Hilary screamed at him. ‘I don’t need a fucking robot secretly making decisions for me.”

“Hilary, I should not have done that. I should have communicated that I’m not comfortable with your drinking habits or how much time you spend with Anthony. I am also inconsiderate of how much time I spend with my friends too. I’m sorry.” He turned away breaking down his usual robotic response to make his words more understanding and empathetic.

“Oh…” Hilary was caught off guard.

“I promise I’ll do my best to let you know how I feel,” he took her hand in his. Niell would have been happy with Kyle mimicking his speech patterns. “I just have a few things I need to work through, so it may take some time.”

She released his hold.

Hilary looked him deep into his eyes. “I-I- Kyle, you are always so good to me.” tears started to stream down her cheeks. “I slept with Anthony.”

Kyle froze. His heart paused as if it were on a tight rope — waiting the response from Hilary and waiting to see if he had a way out.

“Do you want to stay with me?” Kyle uttered.

Hilary looked down to the ground. Her tears landed on his marble floors.

“I’m in love with Anthony. Isn’t it okay? Our parents loved other people but still had business marriages.”

If this was Kyle a year ago, he would have put some effort to keep Hilary around. After all, he would have a foot in the medical and pharma industry with his wife and business partner. This is a new Kyle, a Kyle who reunited with his mother and found someone who he wanted to become better for.

“No…” Kyle said, his posture straightening. “It’s not fine.”