Succulent AirPods Melt Like Sex on a №2 Pencil

Consider the asinine banality of this statement: “… although I’ve only used the AirPods for a few hours to test them out, I can confidently say …”[source]. Now, replace “AirPods” with anything else: Star Wars movies, hockey, blended orgasm dildos, shrooms, gokkun — anything dabbled with for “a few hours” isn’t worthy of any concluding declaration. It’s as if the author was threatened by an editor to ‘fucking write something’ and this turd was birthed. This is was passes for news at BI, whose main schtick is half-heartedly thumbing its pinky at President Trump, et al, or finding yet another reason disparage Apple, Inc.

  • although I’ve only used the Star Wars movies for a few hours to test them out, I can confidently say …
  • although I’ve only used the hockey for a few hours to test them out, I can confidently say …
  • although I’ve only used the blended orgasm dildos for a few hours to test them out, I can confidently say …
  • although I’ve only used the shrooms for a few hours to test them out, I can confidently say …
  • although I’ve only used the gokkun for a few hours to test them out, I can confidently say …

Wait, grammar is a bitch:

  • although I’ve only watched Star Wars movies for a few hours to test them out, I can confidently say …
  • although I’ve only seen hockey for a few hours to test it out, I can confidently say …
  • although I’ve only used blended orgasm dildos for a few hours to test them out, I can confidently say …
  • although I’ve only used shrooms for a few hours to test them out, I can confidently say …
  • although I’ve only tried gokkun for a few hours to test it out, I can confidently say …

On the topic of AirPods (above) or just wireless earplugs in general: fuck that shit. Fuck their price in SoKo, too. Only posh Americans are buying this crap and for BI, only posh Americans exist, the rest of the world being either Venezuela or Japan — pandemonium because socialism is a fucking lie or floundering fish because overproduction and nationalism fails when you don’t share enough of your cake with America. Or South Korea because Samsung ‘just made the most compelling iPhone challenger yet’ (so goes another BI headline trying to play Pokémon Go).


Originally published at Ddong Today.