Actually, Duane Reade sushi is good.

Having a physical body is terrible. It is a machine that only gets worse, if it was even any good to begin with. And as your worthless physical form decomposes, it has the gall to demand more from you: more effort, more pills, more food. Accommodate its demands, but just barely. Put whatever edible garbage is most readily available into your mouth hole.

That’s how I found out Duane Reade sells sushi. Duane Reade is actually quite proud of their sushi! According to some people, they shouldn’t be. But you know what? Duane Reade sushi is fine. I’ve eaten it probably dozens of times (sorry!). I have never been to Blue Ribbon or Nobu or whatever the fanciest sushi restaurant is. I bet it’s good! Probably better than Duane Reade sushi. I bet the rice is appropriately moist and the nori doesn’t seem weirdly chewy and the fish has a flavor and the ginger is maybe even real ginger and everything is room temperature like it’s supposed to be. But let me ask you, reader, a question: when was the last time you went to a middling sushi restaurant and had sushi that had all — or even most — of those qualities? I bet it’s been a while! So just eat Duane Reade sushi.

What about not dying of mercury poison? Fancy restaurants have food quality issues sometimes! Spending more money won’t save you from death — nothing will. Inject some danger into your workday. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, after all, and I envision myself as a powerful, mercury-enhanced, carcinogenic god-beast, pacing our dystopian hellscape in search of convenient snacks of dubious quality.

Anyway, as we acknowledged at the start, your body is a garbage prison. Stop telling your body it deserves quality food. Give it whatever, it doesn’t matter. Give it Duane Reade sushi.

Note: Do not order the shrimp tempura Duane Reade sushi.