Plain Donuts Are the Best Donuts

Sometimes, I gaze into the racks behind the counters of donut shops and I am distraught by their vulgarity. All of the artificial colors, the myriad frostings, the profusion of rainbow sprinkles. So much unnecessary window-dressing. The best donuts are indisputably plain. Unsweetened. Raw.

Real donuts need nothing but bad coffee. Give me the craggy lunar surface of a plain donut and its loose, open crumb. I appreciate the tongue-drying texture for what it is: a simple, rustic pleasure. Do you put ketchup on a steak? I don’t think so.

Chocolate-covered: understandable. Plain-glazed: I can accept. Cider donuts: you might as well roll your donut in sand and then eat it. Boston cream—I die. Just leave me the plain. Everything else, let it melt into a sticky heap at the bottom of an unwaxed paper bag.