12 Things to Do Before You Die

We all die. It’s inevitable, unless you’re a billionaire born at a time where you can sufficiently fund research into the reversal of the aging process to reap the benefits of your investment, or you’re someone moderately well-off in the time after that when reversing the aging process has become a more accessible thing to do (though even in these cases, you will be at the whim of the destruction of Earth and eventual heat death of the universe; though these seemingly insurmountable obstacles to eternal life may also be overcome by sufficiently advanced technology.) You have no choice in this. But, if you believe in free will, you will believe that you have choice in what you do before you die. I am asking you to surrender your free will to me for the minutes it will take you to read this article. I will then return your free will and allow you to decide whether to take the actions I recommend to you.

1. Make peace with those around you.

A truth equal in its undeniability to “we all die” is “everyone’s a bit of a cunt sometimes.” And even if you are rarely, or perhaps even never, a cunt in anyone else’s estimation, you can guarantee those surrounding you will still be prone to cuntishness. This results in many interpersonal conflicts. Many go to the grave wishing they could take a few of the bastards they’ve been irritated by with them.

A far more mentally healthy approach is to make peace with those who wronged you prior to shaking off this mortal coil. You can achieve this with a heartfelt apology on social media or a drunken heart-to-heart over over-priced pints in your nearest city centre.

But the surest way to go to the grave with minimal enemies is to write all those who’ve wronged you into your will. As news of your generosity spreads, you can expect many of those you’ve loathed in life to visit your deathbed wishing nothing but blessings upon your (probably imaginary) eternal soul.

2. Castrate an animal.

We all know that all pets should be spayed and neutered. But how many of us have actually taken our beloved pup or kitten’s balls into our own hands and done the dirty work ourselves? Actions such as this will give you a deeper appreciation both of nature and the fragility of your own genitals.

3. Raise a bad kid and a good kid.

Nature vs nurture: that is the question that has plagued scientists since Pythagoras solved the previous most important question and taught us how to work out the length of the remaining side on a triangle once the length of the other two sides are known.

Do your part to help humanity solve this eternal riddle. Produce two children, ideally as closely together as possible (twins if you can manage it), and raise one with love and support and the other with coldness and complete lack of affection. When both children have reached the age of 30, sufficient evidence should have been provided to settle the nature vs nurture debate once and for all.

(For men, it may be tempting to father two children simultaneously with two different mothers. While this may provide valuable input to the debate, I would caution that the answers this provides will not be conclusive, due to each child sharing 50% of their genetic material with a different mother. However, fathering two children with two sisters simultaneously should provide sufficiently reliable data to bring us closer to answering the question of nature vs nurture than we have ever been before.)

4. Close your bank account.

People lived for hundreds of years without bank accounts. Give it a go and see how much fun that is, you prick.

5. Read the collected works of William Shakespeare.

This will allow you to feel superior to people who haven’t read the collected works of William Shakespeare.

6. Find an unrepentant criminal and become their prison pen pal.

Mass murderers and other sundry unsavories are rightly vilified in civilised society. However, they are likely to have a much different perspective on things than the sundry mundane dross of humanity you spend most of your days surrounded by. Write to one of these evil bastards in prison outlining the issues which most concern you and see what they suggest.

7. Enjoy a drug and activity combination that has never been combined before in human history.

“There’s nothing new under the sun” is something twats with limited imagination have been saying since time immemorial. Prove these pompous onanistic nob-guzzlers wrong by doing some activity on some drug that nobody else is likely to have ever done before in human history. Try a decathlon on acid, or lead a cross-country cattle drive while ripped to your gills on salvia. Be creative! There’s probably been very few Tour de France winners who crossed the finish line twizzled out of their mindbox on ketamine, and similarly few minor celebrities who’ve handed out gongs at an award show while under the influence of Tour de France-style performance enhancing drugs.

8. Walk into a random pub and moon the bartender.

Why the fuck not? Bonus points if done on Christmas Eve with a cheery Christmas message scrawled on your backside.

9. Masturbate while listening to a song you predict is soon to be played everywhere.

Find a song that is a guaranteed hit — the latest twee Ed Sheeran ballad, something like that — and stick it on repeat whilst pounding your meat or flicking your bean until you reach orgasm. This may take some time if the song is unpleasant to you, but the results will be magical; you will be uncomfortably reminded of your bizarre behaviour every time you hear the song played in a public place in the months that follow, which will ground you as an individual and show you that the meaning of any artwork truly is constructed by the audience and not the artist.

10. Attempt to take out a mortgage on a piece of real estate which doesn’t exist.

Walk into a bank and go through the mortgage process, giving the bank clerk full details on everything, but for an address which simply doesn’t exist. Find out what happens. You could maybe even make a YouTube video about it.

[NOTE: This is a modified suggestion based on something suggested by Busdriver.]

11. Learn to cook.

It will provide you with sustenance and something to impress friends, partners, and family members with.

12. Press the clap button at the end of this article as many times as physically possible.

Go on. You know you want to.