Dear rappers trying to peddle your CD in front of Walgreens

First and foremost, allow me to commend you on your entrepreneurial spirit and your initiative to get your album out in the world. I appreciate that you have created art and are exploring distribution models that don’t rely on major record labels, because you and I both know that they would screw you in the end. That didn’t sound right.

That said, I am not comfortable with your sales strategy. You loiter in the sidewalk bottleneck and hold out your CD directly in the path I am traversing. Not only is this a violation of my personal space, but it often disrupts the walking conversations I am having with my friends and co-workers. I don’t appreciate this, nor do my peers. You might be better off standing to the side, or hanging out by the guy drumming on pots and pans.

Next, your sales pitch is “CHECK ME OUT”. Even though I’m an open minded gentleman and I appreciate a good looking person, male or female, I like to check people out on my own terms. I’ll assume checking you out means listening to your CD, which brings me to my next point.

If I did stop and express interest, you would slap your headphones on my ears and play your music. I know this because I’ve seen you do it. I am not familiar with hair diseases transferrable via headphones, nor do I want to be.

I have watched you try and sell your album from my office window for several months now. I have seen you sell one CD. One. ONE. I’m not a statistician, but I’m pretty sure your closing percentage is dismal. You are determined and strong-willed, which is admirable, but maybe a weekly sales review would illuminate some holes in your current strategy.

Finally, if you are a good hip hop artist (which I will be the judge of) get a mic and a little amp and show me what you got. If your stuff sounds good, I would love to support you as a local up-and-coming artist. If not, no harm done, you will have become better at what you do by performing.

Assuming you take my advice, I may grab the mic and 8-mile you in front of your homies. What’s up now bitch?!