How can I get laid?
Dear Dale:
How can I get laid?
Signed,
Raging boner
Dear RB:
Women are creatures of mood. Mostly bad ones. It’s your job to change that.
So be seductive. First, food. You may like McDonald’s but make an effort. Take her somewhere nice. Wendy’s, say. Or even Arby’s.
If you’re going to a movie, let her choose the genre: action or horror. She’ll appreciate the courtesy and the gesture will mark you as a gentleman.
Compliment her. Tell her she has big tits. Or a nice ass. But don’t grab them. Not in public anyway. You can leave that till you’re back in the car.
As soon as you get home, dim the lights. It will both hide the mess and allow you to take your pants off unnoticed.
Play some music. Heavy metal is best. I recommend AC/DC. Nothing gets a woman’s reproductive juices going like “Highway to Hell.”
Ply her with alcohol, especially hard liquor. The higher the proof, the better. Make her drink straight from the bottle. Yell “Chug! Chug! Chug!” If it works with men, it’ll certainly work with women.
Keep a used condom by the bed. Women like to know you’re in demand.
Pay attention to her desires. If she says she wants oral, make sure she gives it to you. Also, since most women don’t really like sex, be as quick as possible. She’ll appreciate your promptness.
Fall asleep immediately after. There’s nothing a woman hates more than a man who won’t shut up after sex.
Odds are, you won’t want to see her again. But if you do, don’t call the next day. A week, a month, even a year later is much better. It shows you’ve been thinking of her.
Manipulating a woman’s mood isn’t easy. The simplest thing can set them off. A bad joke. A loose fart. Staring down the dress of her sister. (Hard to believe we’re the same species.) But you’ll never get laid if you don’t.
So give it a try. You’ll be glad you did. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
