How can I get ahead?
Dear Dale:
How can I get ahead?
Signed,
Eager beaver
Dear EB:
By telling people the pleasant lies they desperately want to hear. Good idea, boss. You look great in that, honey. Thanks, I love it. It’s probably just a mole. Everything will be okay.
But I have to ask: why? Don’t you realize it’s a mug’s game? You work hard all your life and, nine times out of ten, it comes to nothing: a mid-level job at a corrupt corporation that both bores you and poisons the planet.
And even if you do succeed, what do you get for it? A few extra bucks, a door with your name on it and the hatred of all below you.
Your personal life is no better: a house too big to live in, a boat you’re too busy for and a family you never see.
And forget about that fat pension since you’ll be dead by sixty.
No thanks. If I die from a heart attack (and I probably will), I want it to be from hard living, not overwork. Be an alcoholic, not a workaholic.
Okay, sure. I know some guys do both — talk about multi-tasking — but, odds are, they’re slighting one. As it says in the Bible, you can’t serve two masters.
Fortunately, there are ways to avoid that.
Begin with incompetence. No matter how easy the job, fuck it up. That way they won’t ask you to do it again.
Next, be irresponsible. Start coming in late. Have an excuse but make sure it’s a bad one. That way they’ll know you’re lying.
Finally, wreck things. Break every tool they have and never say sorry. If you express any regret, they might give you another chance.
This is especially true of motor vehicles. Drive drunk if you have to. I’m not saying get plastered — that’s your choice — but a small accident with a couple empty beer cans on the floor will definitely bring down your evaluation.
Of course, you’ll need a good union to get away with that. Fortunately, I work for the city and, short of shooting someone, they can’t get rid of me.
Remember: it’s much easier to climb the ladder down than up. Do so. You’ll be glad you did. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
