Haven’t you ever been in love?
Dear Dale:
You’re a heartless old bastard. Haven’t you ever been in love?
Signed,
Addicted to romance
Dear ATR:
I resent that. I’m a very romantic guy. Just ask any of the chicks I’m banging.
But not in big fake flowery ways, the whole point of which is to draw attention to yourself and show what a nice guy you are. Things like opening the door for them, carrying their packages or remembering their birthday.
No, I express my love in deeper, subtler ways. Not commenting on how fat they are. Lying when they get a bad haircut. Pretending to listen. Not peeing on the toilet seat. Turning the fan on after a mammoth dump.
Of course, on special occasions, like Valentine’s Day, I go all out. Treat them to a pickled egg or offer them the worm from my tequila bottle. Sometimes, if I really like the woman, I’ll do my Lady and the Tramp impression: put the worm in my mouth and let the lucky lady have half.
As for falling in love… I do it a dozen times a day. The world is full of women and I love them all. From the smallest brat to the oldest crone, the eternal woman inhabits them all. In the shape of a shoulder. The curve of a hip. The hang of a shoe. The quickness of a smile. The softness of a laugh. I could look at women all day long and often do, down at the strip club.
Same thing with my ex-wife. I still love her. Even though she tried to stab me with a steak knife. Just because I slept with her sister.
(Ever the gentleman, I didn’t say anything about that to the cops. So who gets arrested for domestic abuse? Me, that’s who. Talk about unfair.)
I know this is hard for chicks to understand but just because a guy cheats on you doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. But try telling my ex-wife that.
Call me a pig if you want but I consider myself a connoisseur, an appreciator of female flesh and a friend to women world-wide.
Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it. All those guys who march beside you in rallies and claim to be feminists… are they going to do you? Hell, no. They want the hotties. The young, the cute, the thin. Same as most men.
But me? I’ll do anyone. The old. The fat. The ugly. Bring them on. I have no standards. Never have. From my first love, the lonely one-eyed girl, to the bearded lady in the carnival to the drunken divorcees I do daily… I’m up for it. And always will be. Because that’s just the kind of guy I am.
So next time you’re looking to get laid, give me a call. You’ll be glad you did. Because I’ll be there. You might have to wait till I finish my pool game or do a few bumps of blow but I’ll come. And so will you. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
