How can I damage my digestion so bad it makes booze?
Dear Dale:
I read about this guy some guy in Belgium and get this he has a brewery in his gut. No shit. His guts are so screwed up they make booze. Lucky guy’s drunk as a skunk all day long and it doesn’t cost him a cent. Cops tried to get him for drunk driving but he got off scot-free because he’s sick. How can I damage my digestion so bad it makes booze?
Signed,
Tired of having to pay for it
Dear TOHTPFI:
It’s called Auto-Brewery Syndrome (ABS). The carbs you eat ferment in your intestines, producing alcohol. Sadly, it’s very rare. Because, for some reason, the body doesn’t like to produce poison.
But the good news is, it can be induced. All you have to do is eat a shitload of fast-burning carbs: candy, cake, cereal, soda, juice, donuts, pasta, potatoes and white bread. In other words, everything you’re already eating.
Obesity helps. As does diabetes. That and Crohn’s Disease. Basically, you’ve got to fuck up your guts so bad they can’t deal with the bacteria.
But there is a downside: you’re going to have to cut down on fat. Because fat slows down the digestive process, making it difficult for the alcohol-producing yeasts and bacteria to operate. So no more sausages, French fries, triple-patty burgers, four-cheese pizzas or butter-soaked bacon.
Basically, you’re going to have to make a choice: alcoholism or heart disease. You can’t have both. Not for free anyway.
(No one said life was fair.)
So forget about turning your digestion into a brewery. You’ll be glad you did. Because what’s a burger without a beer or the other way around?
(Especially at a barbeque, festival or while sitting on the can.)
Besides, as the old saying goes, you can’t take it with you: money is meant to be spent, not hoarded, and life, too short to choose between life-threatening diseases — especially when you can buy both. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
