How can I find a good barber?
Dear Dale:
My barber retired. How can I find a new one?
Signed,
Getting shaggy
Dear GS:
That’s a good question. Most people use trial and error. Try a new guy. Get a bad cut. Try another guy. Get another bad cut. Until you finally find one you like.
But there is a better way: Dale’s five-point program.
First, no women. A shampoo girl is okay but even that’s pushing it. Ideally, it should be men only. If you see a woman holding a pair of scissors, walk away. That alone will cost you an extra twenty dollars.
Second, porn. There should be lots of it, preferably well-thumbed. And it should be at the top of the pile, not hidden under magazines no one reads. Trade journals, say. Like Barber Monthly. As for the other magazines, they should be manly. Anything to do with killing animals or fixing cars is good.
Third, radio. It should be AM only. You know what FM stands for? Fancy music. And fancy music means fancy cuts. Which means expensive. And just like fancy restaurants, which serve small portions so you have to order more, fancy barbers (or worse, stylists) only take a bit off the top so you will come back in a month to get it cut again. Real barbers shave you to the skin. If you need another haircut within three months, you got ripped off.
Fourth, calendars. Every barbershop should have one and it should be several years out of date. Time means nothing to a real barber. No matter what kind of hair you have or what state it’s in, an experienced barber will get it done in twenty minutes. And when you live your life in such short cycles, weeks, months, even years lose their meaning.
A great barber won’t even look at your head. The muscle memory of his fingers will be enough. If he seems distracted, that’s a good sign. If, on the other hand, he’s trying to do a good job… watch out. He’s either a newbie, still learning the ropes, or a conman, trying to inflate the price.
Finally, clientele. The older, the better. The average age of the customers shouldn’t be below sixty. Young men want to look good. To impress girls.
Middle-aged men also want to look good. To fool themselves into thinking they can impress girls.
But old guys know better. They know that life has long since tossed them onto the sexual scrapheap and that young, attractive women see them as either cute grandpas or smelly old obstructions.
A good barber knows this and so, doesn’t try to make them look good. He just cuts their hair. In fact, if an old guy leaves a barbershop looking better than when he went in… that’s a red flag. You may be dealing with a stylist.
Try it. You’ll be glad you did. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
