Why can’t people see I’m sick?
Dear Dale:
I have a digestive problem. I sometimes crap myself so I always keep a pair of spare underwear in my backpack. Recently, while having lunch with my girlfriend, I was searching for something and accidentally pulled it out. She was disgusted. Said it ruined her meal. Okay, I get it. It’s unappetizing. But I took precautions. Shouldn’t I get credit for that? Why can’t she see I’m sick?
Signed,
Better safe than sorry
Dear BSTS:
No argument here. I can’t count the number of times I’ve crapped myself. Getting to a toilet in time isn’t nearly as easy as people think.
Once I even had to drop my pants, back up and use a urinal. Got some dirty looks but it was either that or the sink.
Most of them, of course, were alcohol-related. A dozen beer and a few bowls of chili can really turn your bowels into a rude volcano.
But that’s something only those of us with digestive problems can appreciate. Your girlfriend, clearly, does not.
So let her know what it’s like. Dose her food with laxatives and take her to a crowded place with few toilets. Fireworks, say. Or a music festival.
Anywhere with porta potties is good. Besides being unpleasant, there’s almost always a lineup. Let her experience the horror of trying to hold it.
Odds are, she won’t be able to. Which is exactly what you want. Because crapping yourself is unique experience and those who’ve done it share a special bond. Initiate your girlfriend into the club. You’ll be glad you did. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
