How can I keep my gay co-worker from trying to have sex with me?
Dear Dale:
One of my co-workers came out as gay and I’m worried he’s going to try to have sex with me. What should I do?
Signed,
Back to the wall
Dear BTTW:
I wouldn’t worry about it. Odds are, you’re not his type. Or anyone else’s. Because, when it comes to looks, most guys are totally deluded. We walk around thinking we have the sex appeal of movie stars when really, we’re old, fat and bald. No one’s idea of a dreamboat.
Straight guys don’t realize that because women’s standards are so low. If women were as fussy about looks as men, most guys would never get laid.
And then there’s personality: convinced of their charisma, men reeking of booze and vomit will hit on a supermodel and, when she turns them down, console themselves by calling her a lesbian.
Hate to break to you but your teachers and parents lied: you’re not special. On the contrary, you’re extremely ordinary. If that. Odds are, you’re worse. Maybe even repulsive.
Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it. Imagine going out on a date with Yourself. Not only are You an hour late — first impressions are important: You don’t want you thinking You care about your feelings — You didn’t bother to shower after Your rugby game because You consider B.O. to be a manly smell.
Same thing with clothes. Why dress up when You can wear Your lucky shirt instead? Sure, it smells and has holes in it but it got You laid once a decade ago so why mess with a winning streak?
Conversation is mostly You complaining about Your ex-girlfriend and what a bitch she was. You let you talk but only if it’s about You. Otherwise, Your eyes glaze over and You yawn loudly to let you know your talk time is up.
As for food, You prepared for Your date by having a bean burrito for lunch. Not only is it filling and so, saves You money, it helps You relieve that evil gas that has been trapped in Your gut for days.
you might not like it but you’re going to get to know the real You sooner or later so why not now? Besides, You can always turn the tables on you by saying You’re just being honest. No mind games here. you’ll like that.
Talking with Your mouth full is a compliment in some countries and a custom You feel comfortable with so You do it. Even if a little spittle does fly across the table into your face. That’s what napkins are for.
Alcohol is a must. And don’t make the mistake of moderating Your drinks. That will only create a false impression. If you can’t handle a bit of drunken disorderly, then fuck you. Who are you to judge You?
As for the bill… of course You’re going Dutch. You aren’t made of money, now are You? Besides, as a modern man, You wouldn’t dream of paying for your food and booze. Equality, after all.
Despite that, You’re going to try to fuck you. That’s what first dates are for. Odds are, you’ll say no. But You can always cop a feel or stick Your hand down your pants. Just to make things interesting. A taste of what’s to come.
Again, you might not like it but you’re probably so desperate to get married you’ll give You a second chance.
Gay guys don’t have that option. They have to be on their game, each and every time. If you show up unmoussed or order the wrong wine… that’s it. Your date will slap his napkin down onto the table and storm out in a huff.
You know the worst part about being gay? It’s not the beatings and killings.
(Although those aren’t so great.)
It’s that everyone judges you by the same strict standards you use on them.
That’s the real problem with same-sex relationships: not only is your pool of possible partners so much smaller, they’re just as superficial as you.
So don’t worry. Odds are, nothing will happen. Unless you want it to.
For a lot of guys, that’s the real fear. That you’ll be at some guy’s place, enjoying the game on TV and, next thing you know, you’re bent over the sofa, pants down around your ankles, with a cock in your ass. Maybe you like it, maybe you don’t but, either way, the deed is done.
What’s worse, you go into work the next day hoping you can laugh it off as a bit of harmless horseplay and hear him bragging about it. How he seduced you with just a few light beer and a pack of Doritos.
And you thought he was a nice guy. Someone you could open your heart to. With the potential to become a relationship. Maybe even move in together, get matching poodles for pets and swear your undying love for one another in a romantic ceremony in Malibu, surrounded by friends and family.
But no: turns out he’s just a jerk who used you to satisfy his sexual needs. What’s worse, he’s telling everyone about it and now you’re the office slut. Guys snicker as you walk by and girls give you a now-you-know-how-we-feel look. Even Melissa, who pulled a train at the last Christmas party, is looking at you with pity.
So don’t be paranoid. But don’t be careless either. Remember, no means no. Even if you have gone to his place, drunk his beer and eaten his snacks. Insist on it. You’ll be glad you did. Because, as every woman knows, an orifice is a valuable thing and should never be surrendered cheaply. At the very least, he should buy you dinner. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
