How can I meet a midget?
Dear Dale:
I’m into midgets. It all started when I was young and watching The Wizard of Oz and something about one of them, the way she moved her head maybe, really got to me and I’ve been into them ever since. I tried dating short girls and it’s okay but just doesn’t do it for me. There’s something about midgets, their little arms and big heads, that really turns me on. Thing is there aren’t a lot of them out there. How can I meet a midget?
Signed,
Oz struck
Dear OS:
First off, they’re not called midgets anymore. That’s an old term, which is now obsolete — like crestfallen, davenport or pass interference.
Some people even consider it offensive — like moron, cripple or male.
All perfectly good words that now have negative connotations.
No, the correct term is munchkin. Which, as you probably know, comes from The Wizard of Oz.
As for finding them attractive… well, you’re very astute. Because the truth is, they were randy as hell. Drunk all day and orgies all night.
(Much like me.)
Hiring whores, molesting showgirls and groping Judy Garland… they did it all.
One guy, about forty and with a bit more class, asked Judy out on a date and, too nice to admit that she wasn’t into munchkins, told him her mom wouldn’t approve. Bring her too, he replied. Two broads for the price of one.
And it wasn’t just the dudes. The chicks were just as bad, forever fucking the other munchkins and offering to do the crew for cash.
And the drinking! Got so bad the hotel had to call the cops — several times — to come and catch them with butterfly nets.
The little dudes didn’t go quietly either: once, on a particularly bad night, they decided to resist arrest and, too small for handcuffs, the cops had to stuff them into pillowcases and carry them out kicking and screaming.
(I know that feeling.)
One guy got so drunk he fell into the toilet and couldn’t get out. At noon!
(Even I can keep it together that long.)
But what do you expect? Force-fed, immersed in barrels of coconut oil or stretched on the rack, from early on, it was made quite clear to them that small was not beautiful. Sometimes, their parents even sold them to the carnival where, beaten and abused, they were forced to entertain fools.
(People like me.)
And let’s face it: how easy do you think it is for a munchkin to get laid? Not very. So naturally they’re going to take advantage of the opportunity.
As for meeting one… that’s not easy. Like you said, there aren’t a lot of them out there. You could try an app. There’s one for everything these days.
(Not that I use any. I prefer the old-fashioned approach: go to a bar and hit on the drunkest woman you can find.)
But I have to warn you: if you do bag a munchkin, you’ll probably face a lot of discrimination. Because there are a lot of ignorant people out there.
(Again, like me.)
Some, chicks in particular, will probably accuse you of being a pedophile. In spirit, if not in reality. But don’t let that stop you. Look them straight in the eye and say: it’s not a perversion; it’s a fetish.
You’ll be glad you did. Because the + in LGBTQ+ can signify anything and you just added another letter to the list: M, for munchkin. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
