How can I stop my wife eating so much?
Dear Dale:
I’m a married man in my late thirties. I’m also in good shape. I run marathons and go to the gym several times a week, which is where I met my wife. At the time, she was also into health and it was our common love of protein powder and the elliptical that brought us together.
Unfortunately, she lost interest in all that after we started dating and hasn’t been to the gym since the day I proposed. Instead, she eats. The passion she once had for exercise is now only exhibited at restaurants and nothing puts a sparkle in her eyes like a big buffet, especially one with a chocolate fondue fountain.
Same thing with sex. The only way I can put her in the mood is by whispering her favorite dishes. Salisbury Steak, Hawaiian Pizza, Pad Thai, Coconut Curry and Nachos. Our safe word is Spam, which she shouts whenever I show signs of attempting a rear entry. Not that I would. It’s just so hard to find the right opening now that her vagina has disappeared beneath all those folds of fat.
What’s worse, she eats in bed — it’s full of chip crumbs — and has a bad habit of, just as I’m about to come, asking me what I want for dinner. I still love her and want to make this relationship work but, with every pound she gains, my interest in her ebbs. How can I stop my wife from eating so much?
Signed,
This house isn’t big enough for the both of us
Dear THIBEFTBOU:
You can’t. Once a woman discovers there’s more to a buffet than the salad bar, there’s no holding her back: hungry as a hippo and twice as dangerous, she charges the counter, elbowing seniors aside and repeatedly filling her plate with food. Especially sweets. God help the man who stands between a woman and her cake.
And so, bit by bit, she balloons up, to the point she can’t get out of chairs, waddles when she walks and exceeds the elevator capacity all on her own.
You should’ve seen it coming. That hunger she had for exercise… that was just, well… hunger. She was probably thinking of food the whole time and every kick, punch and step was an attempt to beat her appetite down.
But she’s married now and so, can let herself go: toss out those tights, cancel that gym membership and load her plate up as high as she wants.
Which has seriously reduced her bangability. Not that she cares. Odds are, she’s lost all interest in sex. Probably never liked it. Always preferred food. And, by gaining so much weight, she’s trying to do the same to you.
But that’s okay because, by becoming a beachball, she’s giving you a free pass to fool around. The world is full of women. Find someone else to fuck. Worst comes to worst, you can always hire a whore.
(No reasonable woman can refuse you that.)
Besides being time-efficient, there’s no danger of an emotional attachment.
(Women can be so clingy.)
Which your wife will appreciate.
(It’s important to consider her feelings, even if she is a butterball.)
Besides, there’s more to a wife than sex. There’s cooking, cleaning and the fake alibis she gives to the police when they come snooping around.
But the real problem, I think, is your obsession with health. Are you really planning to live forever? And if so, why? Because even if you go to the gym every day and eat nothing but tofu and seaweed, you’re still going to end up a senile old fart in a nursing home, drool dribbling down your chin as you struggle to remember your name. Much better to O.D. on bacon, butter and cheese. You know, tasty things.
So stop fat-shaming your bulky bride. Pity the poor hippo instead. Or better yet, join her. Go to buffets and pig out together. Have eating competitions. See who can eat the most in the shortest period of time. Step on the scale after and smile as you watch your weight get ever larger. You’ll be glad you did. Because co-dependency is the basis of all successful relationships and there’s nothing like a shared vice to bring people together. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
